𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘴

𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘸𝘰

𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘴

My forehead pressed hard onto the white wooden door. My hands rested flat on the surface, I just want her to believe me. It's feels like someone is squeezing my heart with their bare hands, the aching pain flowed through my body. Warm streams of tears ran down my cheeks. I all want is you Kendall. You are such everything I've ever wanted and more.

"I love you Kendall" my voice was weak and raspy, I couldn't help but shut my eyes. "Forgive me honey......Please believe me." I heard her quiet sobs behind the door. I heard her footsteps father and father away until I couldn't hear them anymore. It was silent.

I stepped away, giving the door one more look. Before I went home. My body and soul felt heavy, I wiped my face, as I went down the stairs, the sky was full of clouds. Twisting the cold silver doorknob, I walked into my cold dark house. Everything felt like it did before Kendall.

I went to my living room desk taking out something I haven't touched in a few months. My journal, with that the pack of cigarettes that I stopped using after I started work. I grabbed the metal lighter, flicking the light a few times before I got a small flame. With the cigarette already in my mouth, I lit it. I sucked in the pure nicotine, letting it go down to my lungs, then exhaled slowly. God, I forgot how much love smoking. I never consider myself a smoker that can't go a minute without smoking. I can last a while, but in moments when it feels like I need something that kills me slowly, something that I try make it fill the emptiness. Then I'm a smoker.

I looked down at the small black book, forgetting what it was like to feel the pen in my hands. I grabbed my journal leaving the cigarette in my mouth, and sat down on the comfortable dark grey couch. I pressed the pen onto the paper. I began, it felt liberating being able to write nonsense.

I had so many things to say, so many feelings to get out. Not just about Kendall about everything. The world felt quiet when I wrote.

⁂⁂⁂

 
          I immediately shut the journal after a good hour of writing. I placed the black pen down on the dark wooden desk. I walked myself to the bathroom, each step I took felt like everything around me was crumbling. All I want is her back to me.

I walked into my bathroom. Right as my feet stepped onto the black tile, my eyes scanned the small room. There was a small box in the corner of the counter. I walked over and looking down into it.

It was all her things. Her toothbrush. Her make up. Her shampoo and conditioner. Her body wash. Her crème. Her perfume. My hands turned into fist, I bit the inside of my cheek not wanting to over react....I couldn't help but just get the urge to- I looked forward towards the mirror, immediately bringing my arm up to punch the mirror. It shattered. I felt blood ooze down my knuckles. Shit. I turned on the faucet, feeling the cold water in the wounds.

God I miss her. I miss Kendall. I need her.

If only I explained it to her right there when I ran outside the city hall. I just want her to believe me and stay with me. I just want her with me.

I stared at myself-I stared into my eyes. My eye bags were pretty noticeable. I'm not surprised , I haven't slept well In the past two weeks. My beard was growing in, I clearly haven't shaved. I looked like a heart broken idiot.

I looked back at my hand seeing the never ending blood dripping into the sink. I opened the bottom drawer taking out the aid kit, I knew it was going to hurt but I poured the rubbing alcohol on my hand to disinfect my knuckles. I felt the intense feeling in my wounds. I let out a deep breath trying to relax. I cleaned up a bit then wrapped my hand with gaze.