tw / / panic attack
When I first experienced a panic attack, I couldn't understand why my body was reacting that way... My body feels numb, my eyes were heavy, I was shivering too much that I can feel my inner body was shaking, too. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit gusto kong masuka pero walang lumalabas and it feels like I was about to shut down, I was gasping for air. Nilalamig ako na pinagpapawisan... Wala akong maintindihan and I were desperate to know everything. Ayokong basta ko lang maramdaman ang mga ito na walang alam kung bakit. Ayokong maranasan ulit ito na hindi alam ang dahilan.
I wasn't aware of mental health issues. I don't care for a fact that someone might be suffering because of their past. I wasn't concerned.
People don't give importance to mental health illness and I was not an exception before. I was lack of awareness and education. Naging bukas lang ang isyung ito sa akin noong ako na mismo ang nakaranas at magiging bukas din 'to sa ibang tao kapag sila na ang nakaranas o ang mahal nila sa buhay.
That's why after experiencing it, I tried everything to figure out what was behind my feelings. I didn't seek professional help. I was alone seeking information and when I found out, I didn't believe myself or I was too shocked to accept my reality. I diagnosed myself based on the reliable research I searched. I also tried online assessment and the result was only the same.
I have a panic disorder.
I diagnosed myself not because I can't afford it, but because I am ashamed of having that condition. I want to keep it to myself. People are very judgemental, they will create conclusions on their minds and I refused to be their victim. Ayokong masabihan na mahina ako kahit alam ko naman na ang pagkakaroon ng panic disorder ay hindi kahinaan. I don't know. I'd better be judged as someone who loves to play with boys and is addicted to sex rather than to be labeled as a weak person.
I found it more insulting to be labeled as a weak person than other negative issues thrown at me.
I am aware that diagnosing oneself shouldn't be tolerated pero anong magagawa nila? Takot akong masabihan ng mahina. I'm afraid of facing the reality, where people aren't considerate and easy to jump into conclusion.
As soon as I heard Dawn's cracked voice, I hurriedly went outside the school. Narinig ko pa ang tawag nila Shaira but I only ignored them. My body was having an adrenaline rush. Tinutulak ako nito na puntahan agad si Dawn.
He needs help.
"Don't hang up... I'm on my way," I said, a bit shaking.
Ilang minuto pa bago ako tuluyang nakasakay sa sasakyan.
I can hear Dawn's sobs on the other line. He was weeping. I can imagine him sitting on a floor with messy hair and wet cheeks.
"I'm coming, o-okay? Wait for me," I whispered, praying that he heard what I said.
I want to assure him that I'll be with him in his breakdown. Ayokong maramdaman n'ya na mag-isa siya sa laban n'ya kagaya nang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing inaatake ako.
Being alone fighting your battle sucks. Pakiramdam mo sa bilyong mga tao rito sa mundo, walang handang makinig sa mga nais mong iparinig.
Stan: I'm here. Where are you?
Napasapo ako sa noo ko. I forgot he has plans today! I promise him I will see him today! What a mess, Solace!
Hindi na ako nakasagot nang tumigil ang sasakyan. Mabilis akong nagbayad at tumakbo sa loob ng simbahan.
"Dawn? Where are you?!" I shouted.
I gasped for air while roaming my eyes around the church. I can feel my sweets dripping down my forehead.
BINABASA MO ANG
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