The broken doctor (book 2 of 'Doctor' duology)

Twenty two

Six weeks.

One month and a half.

That's how long I've been here, and I feel better, I feel like I'm capable of leaving this place, I accepted, I realized that I survived and I have something to live for.

I understood that what happened was out of my control but now I have the control back and I can make my decisions. It was fucking hard, I won't lie, I cried enough tears to fill at least two olympic pools, I had times where I felt so angry that I destroy the little things I had in my room.

There were ups and downs, there were moments where I look at myself and still feel disgusted, there nights where I still dream of Marcello, and at least once or twice a day I doubt myself. I'm not the confident and stubborn person I was before, but it's not all bad things.

I'm finishing packing my things, before I go back to Hera and Niccolo there is just one more stop. I need to go to Italy, I need to go visit my mom's grave.

The last time I was there was at her funeral, then I couldn't be seen in Italy so I couldn't go. But now, I know I don't need to fear Marcello anymore, he's dead, he's not after me, and most important he can't control me anymore.

Why do I have to go there?

I don't know, I just feel like I need it, after discovering that my father was the one giving me a way to resolve his problems, I can't even think of the man without getting angry. But when I think about my mom and the moments we had before she died I feel at peace.

"Thank you for everything nurse, Asha. He's in his office?" I asked the nurse that was there every time I broke down, she held me when I cried, was patient when I was angry. She's a short Indian old lady and she's so sweet.

"Take care of yourself, don't forget everything we talked about and if you need anything call me. Yes, he's alone now you can go." She hugged me, gave me a paper with her number on it and we parted ways.

I walked to Dr. Santos's office and knocked on the door. I had to say goodbye to this man, I honestly never thought that I would talk so freely and specialty with a man, but he helped me a lot and made me feel comfortable.

"Come in." He said and I opened the door.

"Leaving already?"

"Yes, I have a flight to catch."

"Well, in that case, was nice to meet you, and don't forget our talks. Remember what I always said to you?"

"Yes, it's my life, I ain't gonna live forever. I remember still thinking that it's Bon Jovi music though. Thank you for everything, Dr. Santos."

"Go and be happy Julianna. You can't change the past." He said, we shook hands and I made my way outside where I had a taxi waiting to take me to the airport.

It feels good to be outside, I even got butterflies on my stomach, being all that time locked up and this past month and a half also 'locked up' in my mind made me see the world in another way.

Made me appreciate more of everything.

Paid for the taxi I went to buy my ticket to Italy, I decided that I would leave my past there with my mom, I wouldn't forget it but I would finally move on with my life.

For the first time today, the doubt of everything came to my mind during the flight. Now that I'm out of the hospital I will soon go see Hera and Niccolo.

How will he react?

Will Hera remember me?

Did Niccolo find someone else?

Can I be a good mother?

What if he doesn't let me see her again?

I tried my best and pushed those questions to the back of my mind, after a long flight the plane finally landed, I walked out of the airport and found a cab. I got nervous on my way there because I knew I would see that empty space next to my mom where my dad was supposed to be.

It pains me to think of the time my mom was here with me and my dad, they were so happy and so in love, what would my mom say about the way he ended? About the things he did?

Why? I still don't understand why, I took care of him when he would get home drunk, bi would clean his vomit and I never complained, so why? I resent him, I resent him so fucking much because all of what happened was because of him.

Well, it doesn't matter anymore anyway, he's dead, I can't ask questions, and Marcello is also dead so he can't hurt me anymore.

Once I was out of the cab I went to the florist shop and bought her favorite flowers, Dahlias in different colors, when she was alive the house was filled with those flowers, and even when she was in that hospital bed she always had a vase full of them beside them.

I finally got in front of her marble grave, I took the dry leaves and put the new flowers on while talking with her, I know she can't answer back and I don't even know if she can hear me or not but I'll do it anyway.

"Ciao mamma, mi sei mancata." I started. ["Hi mom, I missed you."]

"La vita è stata pazza, per un momento ho pensato di unirmi a te, sei in pace? Lo spero, hai visto tua nipote? Vorrei che tu fossi qui per incontrarla. E per guidarmi mamma, ho paura di cosa accadrà ora." ["Life has been crazy, for a moment I thought about joining you, are you at peace? I hope so, did you see your granddaughter? I wish you were here to meet her. And to guide me, mom, I'm afraid of what will happen now."]

"Devo sembrare un pazzo in questo momento, sono qui da solo a parlare con un sasso. Ma se ci sei, se mi senti, aiutami mamma, aiutami a non deludere mia figlia, aiutami ad andare avanti e mantieniti forte perché se la mia testa torna a com'era non so se posso sopravvivere". I said with tears in my eyes. [" I must look like a crazy person right now, I'm here alone talking to a stone. But if you are there, if you can hear me, help me, mom, help me not fail my daughter, help me to keep going and keep strong because if my head goes back to how it was I don't know if I can survive." ]

"Ti amo, mamma." [I love you, mom."] I turned around to leave but I stop my steps immediately when I see him there.