Keep fighting for me

Trying to get into the real world

TW:self harm

It's been 5 damn months and i still can't escape the pain that i feel in my heart,stop the screams in my head.It's just...really hard ,i see her everywhere.I see her gold ponytail, her amazing smile,those magical green eyes everytime i get downstairs in the morning and everytime i go to sleep at night.These 5 months has been really hard not just for me but for our baby Juliet too,its not like she can understand what happened but she can feel absence of her mother ,it was just like the sky fall into our heads.That phone call "destroyed" our life.Everyday i accuse myself for it ,like it was my fault...well of course it is..it was supposed to be me ,it was supposed to be me in that f****** car....not her,not my whole life,not my love,not my wife.These words push me to take that blade further into my arms...how can i live when i don't have her anymore,she was my life,my everything....but no ...i have to be strong ,not for me but for that baby girl with blond hair sleeping in the next room.For our baby,for the last reason that i am still alive,my baby girl,my whole world...that i would do whatever i need to do for her to be happy.She reminds me a lot of her,you know ,her face,her smile.When all this happened she was only three and half...I remember the day she was born,it was the happiest day of our life,i know we were only 18 and struggled with a lot of problems but the love that we had for each other made us strong enough.We sweared to each other that we will stay in each others arms forever,that we will love each other forever and that we will raise our kid with all the protection and love that we never got from our parents,we dreamed for a perfect life for us and our baby,working as writers together,going on vacations,we dreamed for so many things.Unfortunately our dreams came to an end really quick.You know sometimes it just feel like....i am just in a nightmare and that ...when..when i wake up i'm gonna see her with our baby in her hands ,smiling at me,kissing me....but everytime i wake up all i see is darkness.Everyday i'm getting worse and worse ,i think that i'm losing my mind,i see her everywhere ,i hear her voice everywhere,her laugh in the house.A week ago i really messed up...you know while i was organising our desk i found the most precious thing that she had since she was a kid ,her diary,she wouldn't get anywhere without it,and i had the worse idea to read it,getting into these pages suddenly flashed me back to everything that we did together,memories...those memories,the first time that i met her,when i kissed her and she froze in place,when we started dating,everytime that she took care of me when my dad could beat the crap out of me because he was drank, because he thought that i messed up our family,that mom and jb left because of my anxiety attacks and my depression and that she just got tired of me,the day we found out about the baby,the day she was born,all these memories came back to me like a punch in the heart,i just couldn't deal with the heartache that i had and.....i did what i used to do everyday until she stayed by my side and made me stop....i started cutting myself ...but this time i didn't realised how far i went before i felt a really strong dizziness and passed out on the cold bathroom floor.Thankfully Juliet was with her aunties that day,i told them to take her just for that day because i didn't felt good and i wasn't able to take care of her.From the morning i woke up in a very bad mood and felt really nauserous so
...yea .The next thing i remember is waking up in a hospital bed with Cheryl by my side,sleeping on the armchair.And then it hit me what i...i did...how could i be so selfish....how could i....could i do this ,not to me but to her ,to Juliet ,how could i left her without parents,how could i destroy her life because of my f****** depression and mind and .....everything that happening inside of me.After i realised all these i told to myself that i have to keep my promise,the promise that we gave to each other ,that if something bad happen to one of us we will keep going and take care of our miracle and thats what i'll do even if it means to hide every feeling very deep inside of me because i promised her ,i promised to my Betts.And with that tears escaped my eyes and i fall asleep again.

HEY GUYS!!Thats my first fanfiction that i'm writing,hope you like it.For every recommendation write to the comments!!🥰