Keep fighting for me

Reason to live

It was four am when i woke up from a nightmare ,again.They have been back for a really long time now and they keep me awake all the night.Its not that i slept a lot today ,only 2 or 3 hours max  ,i got out of bed carefully because i didn't wanted to wake up my little angel and walked downstairs.I don't know how but i'm so exhausted like... ready to pass out on the floor but...i can't sleep ,i can't...its just like ...something keeps me awake. I went to the kitchen and got a cup of coffee and then sat into the armchair watching out of the window. The empty streets and the rain ,the sun slowly raising behind the skies brought me back to the really long nights ,when i used to wake up screaming and panting  ,afraid that i would go back to that ...that house ,to them ..and...everything i have been through because of them but at least, then ,i had her,i had Betty to stay by my side for everything ,hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be okay with her soft ,beautiful voice.The girl that saved me from my demons .I was so lost into my thoughts that didn't realised that i started crying and....i couldn't breath .I got up and went straight to the kitchen to get my pills.I opened the bottle and got out two, took them with a sip of water and tried to calm down.Since that day i haven't been to therapy again ,i know its not a good thing to stop but....i can't go ,i really need it...especially now that my panic attacks are getting worse and more often and the thought of.....you know  and all this shit going on but ...i don't want to go.Of course i haven't told to anyone about that bc i know they are gonna get mad and will make me go even if i don't want to and also i don't want to worry them with my problems ,they have already done enough .Some minutes later i calmed down and got upstairs again to Juliets room.She was sleeping so peaceful,god i love her so much ,i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't her ,she's the reason i'm still here,my baby girl,my little angel ,thats how i call her and i can say she really likes it.Right now it was like 7:15 so i knew that she would wake up soon so i went to the kitchen and started making breakfast.I promised her that i would make pancakes so....here we are now. I am not really good at making them because Betty was the one to always make breakfast but ....i'm trying.When i put the last plate in the table i heard an angelic voice calling me

J-dadaaaa,daaad wer ar you?

Jug-coming baby(i said and run upstairs)

Jug-good morning my princess

J-molning

Jug-did you slept good baby?

J-yea

Jug-ok ,come on lets get you ready and then  eat breakfast.....i made something that you really love(i whispered in her ear)

J-did you made pantates?(she said with a really wide smile.

Jug-well.....yea.

J-yessss you are the best dada in the entire world.(she came hugged me and kissed me )

Jug-love you,come on lets go ,they are gonna get cold.

J-yea yea(she said and went running to the bathroom

J-dada come fast ,dey are going to get cod.

Jug-ah you little mouse.
(i said and went to her.When we finished we went to the kitchen running,well Juliet did , sat in the table
and started eating)

J-they are sooooo good dada.

Jug-ok ok but eat slower and careful ,i don't want you to choke.

J-i vont dada.
(While i saw her eating like she haven't eaten in days i started smiling .She brought light and joy in my life. )

Jug-well i knew you liked them but...not so much.

J-hmm dey are the best food in di world.

Jug-ok ...ow and we have to go and buy a present for uncles birthday.

J-yeaaa ...can i choose it?

Jug-of course baby.

J-and can we make a birthday card ?

Jug-thats a perfect idea .When you finish eating we'll do one ok?

J-ok
(When she finished i put the plates in the sink and went to her room and i got all the supplies we needed.)

Jug-so ...what colour do you want the card,blue ,yellow or green?

J-mmmmm i tink yellow.

Jug-ok let's start then little artist.
(We started making the card together.We laughed and had a really good time together .Seeing her smiling its ....everything for me.I just hope Betts was here to see our little baby girl growing up and smiling.Every minute she gave me a reason to breath ,she was my life and i promised her that i would never leave her alone and ....its very difficult for me to keep this promise but...i try and i wish i keep it .....not for me but...for that cute little face smiling at me right now ,i'll try to give her the best life possible because thats what our little angel deserve .)

Hey guys!Thats the fourth chapter of this book.Hope you like it. I really try to do my best.Love u😘