*Completed*Sex On The Beach~ Taeten

34

T.w - finding the body

Taeil heard the pained scream from downstairs and ran upstairs as fast as he could. "Tae! Taeyong ?!"
He ran straight to taeyongs bedroom. The door was closed and locked. Without hesitating, he slammed his shoulder into the door, sending it falling freely to the floor. He looked into the room, praying to see taeyong. When he did, his heart stopped.

Tae lay on the floor, completely unmoving. Taeil took everything in at once. Taeyongs still body, curled in a ball on the floor, face still contorted in agony. The open pill bottle on the floor, a few pills spilling out onto the floor. The pools of blood, coming from the massive, gaping wounds on his wrists. The pale, pale skin covered in a sickly sheen of sweat. The tear tracks still glistening on his cheeks.

Taeil sank to his knees. "No, no, no" he whispered. "Why, taeyong? Why, damn it? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't I notice something?" He was now sobbing. Slowly, he made his way over to taeyong and cradled his body to his chest. "Fuck, tae, why would you do this  to me?" The tears were streaming down his face.

Looking down, taeil noticed the many cuts and scars covering taeyongs left wrist. As gently as he could, he brushed his finger tips over them. He shook his head. "Why, tae? Why would you hurt yourself like this?" It broke taeils heart. A fresh wave of tears spilled over his face. He didn't even attempt to wipe them away. They fell to the floor, mixing with the pools of taeyongs own blood and sweat and tears. "I love you, taeyong," he whispered. "I love you so much, kiddo. Why didn't you come to me? How could I have failed you this badly?"

Taeil slowly lifted himself to his feet, looking around for any sort of message from taeyong. His gaze fell on the envelope on the desk, bearing a stupid line that shouldn't have been there. Damn it, he knew that handwriting so well. How many times had taeyong helped him with plans?

Barely able to walk properly, he stumbled over to the desk and picked up the envelope. Fingers trembling, he opened it and pulled out the letter from taeyong. He slumped down in taeyongs chair, unfolded the paper, and, bracing himself, began to read it aloud.

"I don't really know what to say. How does someone go about writing a suicide note?" They don't, taeyong. They get help. They tell someone. They talk to someone who cares. I care. Why didn't you come to me? "I don't know." You shouldn't have to. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. Good enough. I'm sorry for being so fucked up. I'm sorry you had to deal with me. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm sorry for everything. It's all just apologies, isn't it? Sorry after sorry after sorry. I guess when you're a fuck-up, you have a lot of things to be sorry about."
Taeyo g, you have nothing  be sorry for. You shouldn't have had to deal with all this shit by yourself. You aren't fucked up. None of that is true.

"Thank you so much for everything. Honestly, you have no idea how much you meant to me." Then why didn't you come to me? "The only good memories I have of the past six years are being with Ten and helping you." Oh, tae. 
"But, seriously, thank you. I cannot express how fucking grateful I am." You wouldn't have to try if you weren't writing a suicide note, taeyong.

You're probably wondering why I finally decided to kill myself." Finally? why didn't you talk to someone?  "I don't even know where to start on that." Because you shouldn't have to.  I brushed it off as nothing important." You're smarter than that, kiddo. "No one needed to know, so I didn't tell anyone." But that's not true. There are so many people who want to help you. So many people who care.

"I started cutting. At first, it was a small cut every now and then. Soon, it was slicing up my wrist multiple times a day." Shit, kid, why didn't you say something? No one should ever feel like they need physical pain to escape the emotional pain. "I started experiencing suicide thoughts for the first time. Not enough to act on them, but they were there. Mild suicidal ideation, they call it." And that's how you know it's serious. It feels like you're going fucking insane.

Every day, I slice my wrist up, trying to get rid of the pain. Trying to feel something other than this fucking numbness. I barely feel real anymore." Why, taeyong? Why didn't you go to someone? How did I not notice? "Every day, I have panic attacks In my room at night." I'm so sorry, taeyong. I know how terrifying that is. "Every day, I wake up wishing I didn't. I didn't ask for this, taeil, everybody. I didn't want this." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "Why can't I just be happy for once? Is that too much to ask?" No, it's not. It's the least you deserve, tae.

"I'm sorry, everybody. I'm so sorry." You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my fault. I should have noticed. "I don't want to go, guys. I just want to get better. But I know it can't get better." Maybe if you had come to someone, we could help you. "This is the only way." No it's not. "So don't mourn. Don't cry. Don't pity me." No can do, kiddo. I love you too much to do that. "I don't deserve it, taeil." Yes, you do. You deserve the world, tae. Why can't you see that?

Taeil was in shock. How could he have not noticed the hell that taeyong was going through every day? How had he never noticed the cuts on his arm? How could he have failed to noticed that taeyong had given up long ago? . What person should have to deal with all that, especially alone? He should have been sneaking out and going to parties at night, not having panic attacks alone in his room. There is not way in hell he should have felt the need to cause himself physical pain. Why taeyong? Why his taeyong?

"I'm sorry, tae," murmured taeil. "I failed you. This is my fault. I should have noticed. You deserved the world, not this shit. I'm so fucking sorry."

Taeil slid onto the floor next to taeyongs body, completely and utterly heartbroken. For the first time in his life, Moon Taeil had no clue what to do. This is what finally broke him.