Married Life - Through ups & downs

21. The decision

Haziran has been staring at her reflection in the mirror for easily a good 5 minutes. She would almost laugh at herself to see herself like this, having slipped a cushion under her top to see what it would look like to have a huge round belly. She vaguely hears the front door open, but she's too caught up in her contemplation to really notice. In the entrance, Poyraz slowly closes the door, intrigued, and stares at his wife.

"What are you thinking about like that ?" He asks with an amused smile.

In a start, she rips the cushion from under her T-shirt and throws it on the bed, casually. When she turns to Poyraz, her cheeks are a little too red and all Poyraz can think about is how absolutely adorable she is when she blushes.

"Don't make fun of me." She warns.

"I didn't intend to. Actually, I was mostly thinking how beautiful you look when you blush."

"Poyraz, I told you not to make fun of me !" She recalls, pouting.

"It's not mockery, it's admiration."

She rolls her eyes slightly but says nothing more. He takes off his coat and throws it negligently on the sofa, before approaching her a little.

"So, what were you thinking about ?" He asks again.

"You. Us." She admits, her throat tight. "I was trying to imagine myself pregnant."

"You're already pregnant." He points out.

"Yes, well, more pregnant. You know, with a huge belly."

"I understood." He admits with a chuckle. "So how did it look ?"

"I've a hard time imagining it, actually."

He nods slowly before nervously running a hand through his hair: "I'd like to talk to you about something."

"Sure."

Anything to change the subject. She thinks.

"I know we said we'd give us two weeks to think about it and it's not quite two weeks yet but... honestly, it can't go on like this. I can't let you suffer and torture yourself like this night after night, that would be selfish of me. I should have given more credit to your fears rather than forcing your hand, that wasn't okay and-"

"I want to keep it." Haziran quickly states.

Poyraz's sentence hangs in the air as he blinks, stunned and unsure to have understood :

"What ?"

"I want us to keep the baby." She repeats more calmly but in an anxious voice. "I'm still terrified and I can't promise not to have any more nightmares but...I don't want my fears to stop us from moving forward."

"You sure ?"

"You were right." She admits. "The reason I wanted to have an abortion is that I'm terrified of being like my mother but... it's not what I want. And I don't want... I don't want her to win."

"Win ?" He repeats, lost.

"My mother. There are so many things in my life that I did because of her, decisions that I made... sometimes unconsciously, moreover. She always had that kind of hold on me without even having to say anything. This time, I refuse."

"So you... you really want this baby?"

"Yes. I want to be a better mother than the one I had and give this baby everything that..."

As she cannot finish her sentence, Poyraz comes to her aid, in a soft and tender voice:

"Everything you wished you had ?"