Married Life - Through ups & downs

22. The News

POV Haziran

To say the news hit us hard would be the understatement of the century. I feel like I've been in an endless fog since we left the gynecologist. We came home, we settled on the sofa, side by side, without having the strength to take off our shoes or even our coats... None of us said a single word, we just stayed together, in silence. What is there to say ? It's not like you can get rid of one and keep the other.

I suddenly pale, shocked and sickened by my own thoughts. I'm definitely going to be a terrible mother. Maybe even more than my own mother.

It's certain that I'll be more affectionate than her, that I would be the kind of mother to cuddle, to read stories, to comfort them when they have nightmares etc... But, for the rest... I don't even dare to think about it.

Poyraz must be aware of my internal struggle because his hand delicately catches mine on my thigh and, when I slowly lift my gaze into his, he smiles at me tenderly, uncertain.

"Have you..." He paused for a few seconds, before continuing: "Have you changed your mind ?"

The fog can't dissipate and I don't understand what he's talking about. I frown, lost, and he clarifies:

"About abortion ? In the end, do you prefer to have an abortion ?" He asks, before resuming quickly, nervously: "I know that one already scared you a lot and that it was already a lot so... so two, I would understand if... well..."

Have I changed my mind ? I realize with surprise that I haven't even asked myself the question since the news broke. I mentally panicked, I wondered what we were going to do, I asked myself a thousand questions, but at no time did I think of finally having an abortion.

"I hadn't even thought of that. " I admit.

"Because that's not what you want ?" He asks, worried.

"No, that's not what I want." I acknowledge with fear. "And you ? I know you wanted this baby, but now that there are two... do you still want them ?"

He smiles at me, squeezing my hand a little more in his.

"Honestly, I was pretty confident about having a baby, now that there are two, I'm terrified." He admits with a chuckle, before seriously adding : "But I want them. Really."

"At least I'm not the only one terrified anymore." I try to put things into perspective.

"Yes because it's certain that it's so much easier to embark on this adventure by both panicking." He jokes with a smirk. I smile, amused. "They are fine. That's what matter the most."

"Yes, they are fine. Two small hearts that beat correctly." I answer.

"Tricky question: When are we going to tell everyone ?"

I pondered his question for a moment before answering:

"I think we can talk to our best friends about it right now, I mean, they already all knows it anyway so we can tell them about our decision." I start, making him smile. "But, concerning our families... if you don't mind, I would like us to wait the 3 months, so that there is no longer any risk of miscarriage. It's just... I don't want to see them rejoicing if things ever go wrong and I have a miscarriage. I couldn't stand it and I don't think I could forgive them."

"You're right, I agree." He nods, but still can't help but wince at my words.

"I didn't mean to imply that your grandmother would be happy if I have a miscarriage." I add hastily, realizing my words. "It's just that I guess my mum won't be happy that I'm pregnant and so if it went badly she'd be relieved. Yes, there you go, relieved is more appropriate than happy."