Her Breaking Point

Chapter 18: Her Therapist

Lime green walls covered with certificates and pictures are the first thing I see. A grey couch with a light blue blanket and a Middle Aged blonde woman sits in a chair tapping her pen on a note pad.

Paul's email rings in my mind. 'She knows about everything. Don't worry you can trust her. This is for your healing. I love you. Paul.'

"Haven?" She asks standing I nod.

"Dr. Mayfield?" I ask and she gives me a soft smile.

"Please Ronnie will do" she said gesturing to the couch. I sit down on the cool felt couch and sit cross legged.

"Okay let's start with a little ice breaker before we get into it alright?" She asks. Her voice is calm, soothing. Very motherly. "My name is Veronica but as a kid I always thought it was posh so I went by Ronnie. I have been a licensed Psychiatrist for 6 years. I started college at 20. Went through 4 years of college. 4 years of medical school and then 4 years of residency. I decided to specialize in abuse. I turn 39 in April, wow that makes me feel old. I'm a Taurus. I decided to specialize in abuse victims. I got married at 27 and I have an orange tabby cat named Hodor and a black cat named Bellatrix. Now your turn" she said with a soft smile. Her eyes were brown. But her hair was a bright blonde. She is really pretty.

"My name is Haven and I have a brother. I'm 21 I turn 22 in November. So I think that makes me a scorpio...And I-" I didn't really know what to say other than that. What else do I say here? I shrugged at her.

"Haven, I'd like to start at the beginning. Let's talk about your family before the abuse. Tell me about that"

"There isn't really much to say" I shrugged.

"Well you were 13 when it all started so tell me what life was like before then" I sighed thinking for a moment.

I grabbed the blanket behind me stretching it over my legs playing with the edge of it. "It was normal. My parents were happy from what it seemed like. My brother and I had a normal relationship. But when my brother left things slowly started to fall apart. My mom left a few months after. And then..." I still couldn't say it. My mouth ran dry and my throat closed.

"Let's go to your mom why do you think she left?"

I scoff "because she never wanted kids in the first place. She left because she was a coward. Told me she was going to return my aunts crock pot but would be back in time for us to go to the movies. She never showed. It started not long after that"

"Are you angry at your mom?"

"What do you think?"

"Why?" She asked

"Because she left me there. My brother says he was abusing her but if that's the case that makes it worse"

"Why?"

"Because that means she knew what kind of monster he was and she left me with him anyway. Why would she do that? Leaving I understand. But leaving me? I will never understand that" I was bitter. And angry. In a lot of ways I blamed my mom for what happened to me. Had she taken me with her this never would've happened.

"Why do you think she left you behind?"

"I don't know"

"Have you asked her?" She inquired. I shook my head.

"No and I'm not going to. I don't want to hear her excuses. I will never forgive her. She doesn't deserve the satisfaction" I spit the words like venom but she wasn't phased. She just listened.

"Often times when someone refuses to forgive another person it is because they haven't been given closure. If you talk to her. You don't have to forgive her. But hear her reasons and get the things you need to say off your chest. Keep in mind you don't only forgive someone for them. You forgive them for yourself. You have to look past your anger and eventually let it go. Harboring it will only hinder your recovery" she spoke evenly and honest.

"I'm not ready"

"And that's okay. But when you are ready. Reach out. You may be surprised at what you hear" I nodded. Talking felt like ripping open scabbed wounds and pouring salt into them.

"Okay let's move on"

***
I walked out of the office wiping my face and sliding into my car. I drove off and came to a country road. And pulled over.

I got out of the car and walked into the clearing ahead of me. The grass crunched under my feet as I walked. I took a deep breath and I screamed as loud as I could. Over and over. Tears flew down my cheeks violently.

"WHY!" I screamed as loud as my voice would let me. It cracked and broke but I didn't care. I fell to my knees and I sobbed. It was the first time I cried really cried. I screamed again.

'What is one word you would use to describe yourself?' Dr. Mayfield asked.

'Can I think about it?' I asked and she nodded.

'Of course. How about you tell me at our next session next Thursday? Okay?' She asked and I nodded.

I knew that word now. Broken. I had reached my breaking point a long time ago. Charles was good at that. He pushed me over the edge and I don't know how to live anymore. Every face I see is his.

The monster of my dreams isn't gone. Every day I am haunted by my memories that have changed me. And every night, is the night he's coming back. Other kids feared things that weren't real. Boogie man. Shadows. I feared a real life monster. And I don't know how to not be afraid. I'm so afraid. Of him. Of what would happen if he were to get out.

I am so lost. What do I do?

"You really fucked me over didn't you" I asked the sky. "Shitty hand with shitty odds" I whispered to myself.

"What can I say house always wins" and my fear, Charles, Caine. They were the house.