My book

3/1/22

sorry... i just can't believe how the first day of march happened to me...

i just had a talked about my parents about how big i am. my father was the first one to told me that i should do exercise together my older sister. and the first thing that comes to my mind is that this is the opportunity to talk about how I wanted to diet. so i listened. i replied "malapit na ba ang face-to-face?" and my mom said "aba'y oo and the blah blah blah na, she talked that pur school was the only high school that don't have face-to-face pa.

i asked again "hindi yung pag e-exercise, kasama ba si lianne...?" but my mom cut me off saying that my sister and brother school does have f2f soon but it's only for grade 1,2, and 3.

"eh paano ba mag-exercise hindi ako marunong..." i tried again.

there was a 3 seconds pause until my mom says something about how she's tired of writing. this time i didn't talk. alam kong ipapahiya ko lang ang sarili ko. alam kong isang imik ko pa ay mahahalata na nila ang gusto kong sabihin kaya hindi na akong umimik.

until my father said that again after my mom was done talking. "aba'y mag-exercise ka. ang laki mo na baka pagsuot mo ng uniform ay hirapan ka. he scoffed.

"sasabihin ko dun sa mangtatahi sa uniporme ako na lang ang sukatan." my mom giggled. "parehas naman ang sukat natin."

my heart ache. i knew that i eas fat and not normal for a teen to be like this. nakakayamot ang sarili kung pwede lang tanggalin tong mga fat ko sa katawan at pumayat, siguro naman hindi na nila ako iinusultihin diba?

hindi naman sa paraan na ininsulto nila ako, para lang sa akin iyon. sa persepective ako at dahil sa naramdaman ko, iyon ang naisip ko. na ayaw nila na ganito ako kalaki, na ginto ang kataba.

so i spoke. "kailan ba kami mag-e-exercise nina ate Loudette?" i dragged my sister so that they won't suspect that I was the one so desperate to exercise.

i was so serious that I looked my mom in the eyes. i thought she'll change the topic again when she opened her mouth.

"wala iyon, niloloko ka lang ng papa mo."

wow... a joke? really? well congrats, nice joke now i think the better soultion for my self is to not eat everyday. and i ain't even joking about it. I'll fucking starve myself if u don't like body. I don't like it too so what's stopping me?

i didn't hear anything after that, maybe they did talk about something but my mom's sentence keep pulling my ears. so when my little sister came out of the bathroom, I rush in, couldn't handle what I'm feeling.

I felt the tears gathering in my eyes so I looked up at the ceiling and blinked faster to stop the tears from falling down. takot ako na baka may makakita ng puffy eyes ko pagkalabas.

So when I succeed from not letting my tears out, I tap it so it won't be little puffy. when i think it's alright to come out, I did. I washed my hands and felt my eyes once more with my wrist and blew a breath and walk back to the kitchen, where pur conversation happened.

kumuha ako ng tinapay yung parang maliliit na square ba sabay takbo sa kwarto.

i knew i pretended not to care about what they said to me but damn... I don't think it'll fade away in my heart and my mind what you said.

siguro tubig nalang ako araw-araw. kakain ng tinapay pero ilang beses lang sa isang linggo. i am so eager to have my body thin. i really don't like my body. i am sorry if i ate a lot. i am so sorry if you have a fat daughter. i am so sorry that you are not pleased on to what I have right now. I'll try my best to reach your expectations.

i am really so sorry to have a body like this.