My book

vent

do u ever just get that feeling when you're sitting on your room alone with your thoughts wonder, you're not crying but u just feel sad and empty replying moments from ur life and wondering where did it go wrong.

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all this time i thought i was happy and content with my life. i thought i was already healing and moving on from the cruel past. i thought i was already smiling without forcing it. it seems to be just my illusions, huh.

i was already trying new things. slowly accepting Him in my life. taking pictures of me smiling. being deaf to those insults, hate, and anger. i was already accepting from who i am. i was already slowly accepting and loving my fats... slowly yet satisfying and nice. my insecurities, i was already showering them with attention and love.

but i know my self, i already expected this.

i know how weak and pity i am. on how i always give up without even trying it. on how instead of trying, i shed invisible tears.

it's so cruel... i don't want problems. please let me live my life as a kid. even if there are things u want to say negative to me, please bury it.

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kahit joke mo lang iyon, sobrang na-affect ako. kahit apat na salita lang yan, hindi mo alam kung paano ito paligoy-ligoy sa aking isipan. ang sakit, hindi ko lang sinasabi dahil baka masaktan ko kayo.

anak ninyo ako, bakit kayo ganito?

ayon. wala na akong magawa kung di ang makisabay sa tawa kahit alam kong unti-unting nadudurog ang aking puso. kahit alam ko kung paano ko pigilan ang mga luhang babagsak mula sa aking mga mata. kahit alam ko kung paano ko gusto magsalita tungkol sa aking kinikimkim na damdamin para sa inyo. hindi ninyo alam na ayaw ko rin sa sarili ko at na gusto ko sana, sana magkaroon kayo ng ideya sa aking naramdaman.

pero... wala. wala akong nagawa. talo e. magulang ko kayo, dapat ko kayong irespeto. sorry na lang kasi palihim akong galit sa inyo. sorry na lang kung ganito ako. ako din naman, e. hindi ko rin mapapatawad ang sarili ko. ako na kilala ang mga pinadaanan, iinusultuhin ko rin naman ang sarili ko dahil ang tanga ko.

i know na i should've done more at this age kaso duwag ako. i should've open up to your more about my feelings. i should've done more that my future self will be proud of. i should've... done better.

bakit ba ang sensitive ko?

bakit... bakit ganito ang puso ko? ayaw ko ng sakit sa aking dibdib. please lang heart, be insensitive.

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what if I'll hurt myself again?

would that make me feel alive again?

3/5/22 @1:59am