My book

vent

I only talk to dogs because they couldn't understand me.

My teeth are yellow, hello world,

Would you like me better if they were white like yours?

I need to purge my urges

SHAME SHAME SHAME

I need an alibi to justify and soMEbody to blame.

.. — Alien Blues // Vundabar

AM I FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKER??? LIKE OH MY GOD I WANTED TO BE NOTICE. I WANTED MY FAMILY TO BE AWARE OF ME! LIKE DAMN... WHY AM I EVEN SO DESPERATE.. I just wanted them to notice my situation. My mental health, is not okay... I think. I know this feeling. I know how I overthink. I know when the moment tears flooded my eyes, I'm that sad.

I'm aware of me.

I know what'll happen to me. There's no escape to this. Be happy? Good offer. I can be... happy just as you like. Laugh and smile. Sure, easy peasy. But, how?? HOW? HOW? HOW CAN I BE FUCKING HAPPY? HOW?? HOW CAN I SMILE? HOW CAN I LAUGH? I CAN'T. CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S HARD. MAYBE NOT IN THE PAST OR MAYBE SOMEDAY IN THE FUTURE BUT THIS THE PRESENT. THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF I THINK I'M BEING CRINGE, SAD AND CRYING, IN THE FUTURE. I JUST NEED TO BE HAPPY TO STOP CRYING. TO STOP BEING THAT DEPRESSED AGAIN! IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND THIS ME?? BEING TROUBLED ON HOW TO BE HAPPY? WHAT A JOKE!!

FUCK, DO I EVEN HAVE DEPRESSION?? OR AM I BEING SELFISH? I SELF-DIAGNOSED BASED ON THE SIGNS! THE SIGNS! BEING SAD, OVERTHINKING SHIT, CRAVING PAIN AND JUST WANT HURT THIERSELVES, DEATH, LOSING MY APPETITE, STRESS, ETC... IS THAT ENOUGH?? NO??? HOW ABOUT HAVING SOCIAL ANXIETY? WOULD THAT PROVE THAT I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE? HMM???? AM I?

IF IF I ONLY HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO SAY THAT I'M LIKE THIS THEN... what if they'll make fun of me? Their daughter being depressed? Their daughter being mentally unstable? Bullshit. Who eould believe that? Who would believe me?? NO ONE. They don't even recognize the signs, would they even believe me being THAT? Hello, this is reality! Slap yourself together, damn it...

I just wanted to cool down and let it out so maybe... maybe I won't br like thst anymore? I won't cry myself to sleep anymore? I know what happened to me in the past and hell I don't wnat to feel that again.

I guess, good bye? Sorry for the aggressive typing and all. No one rly had to dump to. And no, my heart is still aching and well I'll maybe update.

12/15/21 @1:55am