TAMED #1: The Good Boy

CHAPTER 14. Why?

I couldn't take looking at them hugging each other any longer. Just the sight of it makes me want to take my heart out and throw it on the ground.

And I know what's happening to me. That's why it pisses me off so much.

Mabilis kong binuksan ang laptop ko at naglog-in sa Facebook. Okay. Tanga na kung tanga. I just want to see how happy they are without me.

Even if it hurts.

I accepted Sweet's friend request. I clicked on Blaze's name and closed my eyes before I could look at his timeline.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko habang nanginginig ang kamay ko sa pag-iiscroll down sa timeline niya. My hand tightened its grip on the mouse I was holding when I saw one of his posts.

I'll love you forever...

Sweet was tagged in the post where there are 3 pictures of them together. Para naman akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig habang nakatitig ako sa mga larawan.

Sa unang larawan, pareho silang nasa tubig-dagat at nakayakap si Blaze kay Sweet mula sa likod. He is kissing her temples. They look intimate lalo na at nakaswimsuit lang si Sweet at topless naman si Blaze. Parang ang relasyon nila ay yung nasa engaged level na at hindi boyfriend-girlfriend.

Sa ikalawang larawan naman, makikita dito ang pagsubo ni Blaze ng pagkain kay Sweet while the people around them ay parang kanina lang nagtitili. Siguro nga paos na ang mga boses nito. They look like they were the ones married at hindi ang mga magulang ni Sweet.

The last one proved to me what my feelings for him is. It hurts so much to see it kaya halos masuntok ko ang monitor dahil dun. Blaze placed his forehead on Sweet's while cupping her cheeks. He looks like he was comforting her.

Dahil ba 'to sa akin?

Did he comfort her because she was jealous of me? Is he telling her that he loves her and she has nothing to worry about me? Is he telling her that he was just kind to me because I am his project?

Parang kinukurot ang puso ko nang pa-ulit-ulit. Nangingilid na ang mga luha ko.

This is wrong. This is all wrong.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko bago pa man bumuhos ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. Dumilat akong muli at tinitigan ang larawan.

It felt like a thousand invisible dagger stabbed my chest and let me bleed to death. Ni hindi ko magalaw ang mga kamay ko. Nanghihina ako na ewan. A sob escaped from my lips and tears fell from my eyes.

But why? Why am I feeling this way again? Why am I starting to fall in love again?

Why?

Bakit bumabalik sa akin ang ayaw ko ng maramdaman kahit kailan?

I knew I shouldn't feel this way. Then why did I?

Hindi ko siya gusto. Hindi ko siya gugustuhin. Yan ang itinatak ko sa isip ko.

Pero ano nga ba ang itinatak ko sa puso ko?

Ang sagot, wala. Wala akong sinabi at itinatak sa puso ko.

Kung kaya lang diktahan ang leche kong puso para hindi makaramdam ng ganito.

Why can't I just be cold and heartless? Why must I be hurt? Why must I have feelings and emotions?

Why must I feel?

Bakit lahat ng taong mamahalin ko may mahal na iba?

He makes me smile with all his teases. He frustrates me. He makes me happy once in a while. He is so kind to me and I needed that kindness so much even though I tried to deny it.