ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕥 (platonic and romantic oneshots)

30 - Badflower (Vent/ramble chapter)

this isnt a chapter that has any plot, im just really angry and upset about life in general and i dont really have anywhere to put it.

TW for de realization, sh, st, gaslighting.

January.

I don't know what to feel.

The year just started, and everything feels like its going to shit. there's pressure from everywhere. finish school this. 

get a job that. 

i want to drive. 'not until i feel you're mature enough.' I've been taking care of myself and by brother since i was 7. 'lets talk to your therapist, see what she thinks.'

'get done with school' I'm trying. 'clean the house' I'm trying. 'if you want to be treated like an adult, act like it.' I'm trying. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. 'get over it.'

i tried to get out. i tried to leave. a second attempt via taking Children's chewable pain killers so i wouldn't feel my stomach cramping and closing in so i could starve. but i stopped myself. why make a bigger problem? why make a bigger mess to clean up? who would take care of him? i would just cause more problems.

more problems

am i the problem?

February.

I'm over eating. I'm undereating. i try to be fit, i just feel fat. i loose the weight then i can feel it on my bones, i gain the weight all i feel miserable. you call me fat. i try and fix it. nothing is working. i wish you could understand how it feels to be in the wrong body constantly with no escape, no support from your family, the people that are supposed to. 

i try not to let shit like that get to me. i try and brush it off. i try and push though, but god do you make it hard. i accomplish something big to me, you brush it off. i stop caring about doing things, that gets your attention. you coddle him, what about me? you stopped when i was younger than him, what's makes him a special case? right. i have to take care of him half the time. i cook for him and make sure he isn't dead by the time you get home.

i know you had a rough day, but put yourself in my shoes for once. its only getting worse.

March.

I think I'm realizing i was gaslit. did it happen? did he do it? was it my fault? 

it was my fault?

it was my fault.

it happened so long ago that i convinced myself it never happened. did it happen? was it real? am i real? i don't feel real anymore.

she doesn't know. he doesn't know. nobody know how close i came to taking the knife to the wrist. that dumb pocket knife you let me get. but i stopped myself. i put it up. i kept myself alive. but god do i want to drag it across my arms. across my legs. across my back. just out of view so she never sees. who knows how she would react?

i know.

i know how she would.

she would tell me i should've known better. she would tell me i was dumb. she would take everything from me. any contact to people that would help me out. because it would help me. but would it? would it really?

i want to punch, and kick, and scream, and yell, and throw something. put a hole though the door. but i know what you would say. i know what she would say.

'you're just like your dad.'

way to speak well of the dead. i loved him. he never hurt me. he was addicted. he tried so hard. i could see it. maybe if i had payed more attention. maybe if i had tried harder he would still be here. maybe if i had tried harder.

maybe if i try harder.

if i try harder.

try. harder.

that's all I've ever done. but its never enough. you tell him to do his best and you'll be proud but with me? if I'm not perfect, if every action i make isn't perfect, it doesn't matter.

does it matter?

do i matter?

I'm to young for this shit. you make me feel like a bad person. I'm done. I'm still here, but is it worth it?

am i worth it?

i don't know. and i may never know. but ill keep going keep pushing. because if i don't, I'm just in the way, aren't i?

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