One Last Time

Kabanata XXII: FROM BOTH FOOD AND...DISAPPOINTMENT

FROM BOTH FOOD AND...DISAPPOINTMENT.
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"I'M SLEEPING IN RENZ'S ROOM. Good night."

He didn't get a response from me. Binuksan ko lang ang shower. Ilang saglit lang, bumagsak na sa mukha ko ang malamig na tubig, ang nakakapanginig na lamig na unti-unting gumigising sa'kin sa katotohanan.

The moment I heard the bathroom door close, I suddenly felt a pain in my throat. Before I knew it, I'm already sobbing. These sobs turned into loud cries and my tears started flowing uncontrollably. I just exploded, as I could no longer contain the disappointment, hurt, embarrassment, and self-pity that had been building up inside me.

Hindi ako tulog kanina. I was just pretending. Nakainom man ako, I was still aware of everything around me. My mind's still straight enough to understand what was going on. Na kahit nakapikit ako at hindi nakikita ang mga ekspresyon nila, alam ko kung anong klase ng mga tingin ang binibigay nila sa'kin. I was fully conscious, especially when Renz said that I was just a burden to him...

My heart ached even more, like it's being torn apart. My cries grew even louder-just me and the four corners of the bathroom hearing.

Minutes passed, and my tears didn't stop. Nagpatuloy ito sa pagbuhos hanggang sa napasalampak na lang ako sa sahig. The icy coldness from the wet floor seeped into me, but it didn't even faze me. This coldness is nothing compared to the overwhelming pain I'm feeling.

When I said I'd pursue him no matter what, I knew I should be ready for what could happen, but I guess I'm just being naive. Sinubukan ko naman, I swallowed the last of my pride for him. I accepted the criticisms of my friends and others who know me dahil sa paghabol ko sa kanya. I brushed them off at kinapalan ang mukha ko para sa kanya, but then there's his cousins, Renz, who sees me as a burden and Shay, na ang tingin sa'kin ay asungot sa love story nila ni Annika. Mga pinsan niyang nagtutulak sa'kin para mag-give up sa kanya, mga pinsan niyang nagpamukha sa'kin na I'd never be welcome in his family unless I'm Annika.

Looking like a total mess, niyakap ko ang mga tuhod ko at ibinaon doon ang mukha kong basa ng tubig na umaagos mula sa shower at sa sariling luha.

He, and his other two cousins don't like me. Now I'm starting to doubt whether Tita Rose, Tita Asul, and even Jessie feel the same way deep down. Are they real to me, or are they just pretending?

Lalong lumakas ang mga humagulgol ko na sumasabay sa ingay ng lagaslas ng tubig, I cried as my heart continued to break into a million pieces.

There will be a family event tomorrow. It's someone's special day. I know now isn't the best time to deal with my feelings, but if not now, then when? Kailan ko ilalabas 'tong mga luha ko sa sakit? Kapag durog na durog na ako?
Kapag ba hindi ko na kayang itayo ang sarili ko sa nagpatong-patong na sama ng loob sa mga nangyari ngayong araw?

HINDI KO NA ALAM kung gaano ako katagal nakaupo sa sahig. Tumayo lang ako nang wala nang mailabas na luha ang mga mata ko. I returned under the shower and turned the water on full blast. The cold water now felt like sharp needles pricking my skin. I roughly wiped away the remaining tears on my cheeks, then squeezed my eyes shut. Kailangan ko nang matulog or I would look even more awful tomorrow.

Water droplets from my wet hair wrapped in a towel are dripping down my forehead and cheeks as I walk out of the bathroom. I'm now wearing a silk robe.

Tinanggal ko ang tuwalyang nakabalot sa buhok ko at pinatong 'yon sa ibabaw ng bedside cabinet. Water droplets are still dripping from my uncombed, wet hair nang lumapit ako sa kama at umupo sa gilid nito. I didn't bother looking at myself in the mirror. Ayokong makita kung gaano kamiserable ang hitsura ko ngayon.