One Last Time

Kabanata XIV: FRUSTRATIONS

Frustrations.
________________________________________

              TAHIMIK akong nakasunod sa kanya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa kanyang pickup. We spotted it after a few minutes, but before we could get closer, I stopped walking.

"L-Loves..." tawag ko sa kanya.

He took a deep breath before turning to me with a cold expression.

"C-Can I ask you something?" I stammered, having no choice but to face his coldness.

"Kung ano man ang gusto mong pag-usapan...hindi ito ang tamang oras. Kailangan na nating umuwi," mataman niyang sabi bago ako tinalikuran.

My fist clenched tightly as I watched him walk away. Right. I said that I was glad I gave him my virginity, but I couldn't shake the disappointment that’s overwhelming me right now. If it is because of the alcohol I consumed... I just really need to bring this up, or it wouldn't let me sleep.

Tumikhim ako. "About what happened between us that night...aren’t you going to say anything? I want to know your thoughts about it..."

Tumigil siya at lumingon sa'kin. Nakakunot man ang kanyang noo, alam kong nakuha niya kung anuman ang sinasabi ko.

"You've been acting colder since that night. Why? Am I not good enough?" I confronted with a hint of resentment as I locked eyes with him. I don't want to overreact, but I couldn’t help it with the way he's acting towards me, especially right now. It was my first time. That night was the most memorable night of my life, so it’s frustrating na parang wala lang 'yon sa kanya.

Hindi nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa'kin, in fact, he's been even colder.

"If I were Annika, would you still be this cold after what happened to us?" I tried to ask when he didn't answer my previous question.

But he just shook his head, making me even more disappointed and hurt. He ignored what I said as if he didn't hear anything.

"Get in the car. Ihahatid kita sa inyo," he said nonchalantly.

I clenched my fists tighter. Kung nagsisisi o nahihiya ba siya na may nangyari sa'min o takot siya sa posibilidad na mabuntis niya ako kahit in-assure ko na sa kanya na safe ako…hindi ko alam! All I know is that I'm hurt by how he's acting like what happened between us doesn't matter to him!

When I was sure he didn't really want to talk about what happened between us, I just gave him a wan smile.

I gave up this time. His coldness made it clear that I couldn't force him. Maybe he's just trying to be considerate of me. He didn't want to hurt my feelings with his answer.

I got in the car first. He followed a few seconds later.

Hindi ako nagpahatid sa mansyon. I asked him to drop me off in front of a bar, which he didn't object to. He didn't seem bothered na nakainom ako at papasok ng bar.

We parted ways that night without saying a word to each other. The next night, I drowned myself and my frustrations in alcohol with my friends.

"You assumed too much, Kei. You can't change a man's heart in just one night. You know how much he loved Annika," were Anja's words that made me feel even worse that night.

        MATAAS na ang sikat ng araw nang makarating ako sa site. It's already 8:30 in the morning.

Inabot ko na ang bayad sa driver bago nagmamadaling bumaba ng taxi. May sira ang sasakyan ko kaya hindi ko ito magamit ngayon.

Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko habang papasok ako ng construction site. I'm wearing white sneakers, so I'm not having a hard time walking on the gravel.

Binabati ako ng mga nadadaang kong workers na nginingitian ko na lang. After going with them to Mang Kiko's granddaughter's christening two days ago, I started to feel less awkward around them. I got a little closer to them.