All I Need

Chapter 52 - Waiting

Elias

That was embarrassing.

Did I drink a lot, fall into a deep depression, then go the Casino Vitale and black out for most of it?

Yes.

But that didn't mean I had to have a babysitter watching my every move!

Okay. Maybe it did mean that, yet I felt like shit for worrying everyone so much. After I woke up in the medics room, Alexander had a long talk with me about my drinking habits.

"Absolutely no alcohol until we've taken care of Nathaniel for good." He said sternly. "And we're getting you a therapist."

I knew it would be difficult to be sober throughout the next couple of days when we invaded the King mansion, but the part that got me was the therapist thing. He seriously expected me to sit across from some stranger and talk about my feelings?

Why on earth would I do that? I would rather drink.

Maybe that is the problem.

"What are you thinking about?" Bianca asked.

She was sitting across from me in the dining room. This was who they chose to be my babysitter, and I wasn't exactly thrilled about it. She hit me really hard the other day. I still had the bruises on my arms to prove it.

It was the next day since they found me at the casino, and I was finally eating for the first time in a while. She watched me carefully like she was afraid I would get up and run to the closest liquor I could find. Was I really that bad of an alcoholic?

Yes. I was.

I twirled the pasta with my fork and lifted it from the plate. "I'm thinking about sunshine and rainbows."

"Really?"

"No."

She laughed, playing with the septum piercing she had that I didn't notice before. Her expression suddenly became regretful. "Please don't be too mad at me about my outburst. I still get really angry sometimes... I'm working on it."

This somewhat apology seemed to be genuine enough. I wasn't mad at her anymore, I was just thinking about what I had done. She wasn't out of line, if I was in her shoes I probably would have reacted the same way.

"It's alright, really." I sipped some water, glancing at her over the rim of the glass. "I fucked up. I know I did. I'm just embarrassed."

And I was.

I fell for the enemy. I let her trick me into thinking we had something real. I slept with her. I brought her to the wedding. I told her things that I shouldn't have. I let her escape. I went on a bender because I was an emotional wreck and I missed her. I still miss her. What could be worse than that?

"Don't be. I've done things I'm not proud of too." She rose from the table and headed for the kitchen. "Eat up, we're meeting in the den in fifteen minutes."

She left and I finished my food. I quickly went to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I didn't even need to use it, I just came here to look at myself in the mirror.

I looked and looked and looked, hoping to find a shred of dignity that wasn't there. I felt so silly, like I was walking around with the phrase 'I'm stupid' written on my forehead. Like everyone could see it and were silently judging me behind blank eyes.

This was why I hated being sober. She was always in the back of my mind, but the alcohol eased the negative thoughts. Now, I just remembered all of the red flags that were staring me in the face. Things that people who weren't desperate would have seen.