Less than Lovers, More than Friends

Telling

Nothing is worse in life than that feeling. It is a feeling that I loathe. It is something that makes me upset and nervous. It's when someone has seen something. When they have experienced you going to through a meltdown. When they see you in that vulnerable position on the ground, exposed to the world. That is the worst thing. That is what I am feeling. I am feeling that right now.

I know Derek wants to talk about it. I know that he wants to discuss what happened. The thing about Derek is that he is quiet. He is a good guy. He doesn't push. He doesn't pressure. Instead, he stays silent and lets things go. At the same time, you know that he wants to know. It is always a balance. It is wondering what you should say and what should be said. It is wondering what will come back to get you in the end.

The problem with life is that everyone judges you. You can say it isn't so, but it is. It's like when you are in the front of the classroom. You know everyone is staring at you, but you tell yourself that they have more important things to do, like listen to the lecture. The truth is, they are staring at you. They are judging you. It is a sliding scale. It's like when you get on a real scale at a doctor's office, the kind they move to the notches and then slide until it balances, telling you your true weight. That is life. Everything you say is judged. People live on that sliding scale to me. When they say something I don't like, it goes to the left. I like it, it goes to the right. It's hard to stay in that perfect balance with me. I think about everything a person says and does.

Once you say something to someone, it opens that flood gate. Once the words are formed and pass your lips, you cannot take it back. The minute your sentence is finished and rational thought it s formed by the listener, you are done. This is the problem with spontaneity. You cannot take it back. People experience it all the time, disguised at foot in mouth syndrome or the like. You have to think about what you say. You have to know that it will be guarded as well as it was when it remained only yours.

I want to tell Derek. I want to, but I am so afraid. That opens the flood gate. That opens the door for him to judge me. People can't take what you say at face value. It seems that they always come to their own conclusions. They make up their on stories to fit the pieces that you gave them. It is a character flaw in most. So what do you do? Do you blab what it is you must get out in an inaudible panic. Or do you say every detail and possibly make the judgement that much more harsh?

"I made someone kill them self." I finally blurt out.

I can't believe I just said it. The minute it poured out, I regretted it. It's that damn not being able to take things back clause Now I have said it, and he will know. He will judge So Meredith killed someone. She is a murderer, he is saying. He has the right to say it. I feel it. I'm the one that goes to bed every night knowing what I have done. I live with it daily. I do suffer. I suffer for my sins.

"Oh." Derek replies as he looked forward. He is driving along, and I just said that I basically murdered someone. I'm sure that he is feeling something.

All I got was "oh". Just oh. How do you take that. Was it fear? Is he afraid that I am a lunatic or that I may do the same to him. Was it disgust? Perhaps he is already forming in his brain how he thought it played out. Was it curiosity? Perhaps he is waiting for me to to elaborate further. Something has to be going on in his head. Something.

I'm not going to elaborate. I can't. I may have fears that he will make up his own story, but I can't talk about it. Talking about it forces me to lay down and roll over. If I am going to do that, I may as well play dead. Some things need not be known and I think that is one of them. I never should have said a word to him. I hate myself for putting me in this position.

I wait for him to ask, and he doesn't. No response. No questions. No thoughts. Nothing. I'm not even sure how to take it. I guess I expected him to say or think something. Instead I got nothing. I'm not sure if it is a good or bad thing. The thing is, no matter what he is thinking, I am not. I am not going there. I made a mistake and now we just have to move on. I don't need to tell him.