Less than Lovers, More than Friends

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I'm in a bad way. I am in a really bad way, and I'm not sure how to pull my dumb ass out of it. So it seems that I am in love. I'm not just talking love. I'm talking really in love. So much love that it hurts when Derek is away. Now Derek lives a half a day away from me, it's not like I can just run over to his house and proclaim my undying love. No, I am here. I am here and I am dying without him. God it hurts. How does one go on?

It scares me. Maybe this is why I have kept myself from love for such a long time. No one should feel this way. No one should feel as if they can't breathe because they are without a person. I am a firm believer that everyone should be independent. You should be able to do everything on your own and when someone else comes along, it is great when you can function with that person in your life. Everyone needs to be okay on their own. I am not. I was, but now with Derek's absence, I am falling. I am falling fast.

"Hello?" I say as I answer my phone. I almost don't want to talk on the phone. I am terrified that someone will realize. There is a difference between grumpy Meredith and lovesick Meredith. Well, it is more like Eeyore Meredith. Nonetheless, this Meredith is scary not only to herself, but to others too.

"Hey Mer." I hear Mark say as I toss my special face wash in my bag. I'm a bit shocked that he is calling me. Usually we go a little more time before we talk to each other.

"Hey Mark. What's going on?" I ask with raised brows as I look into the mirror. This is the point where I am one-hundred percent tingly inside. I am hoping for just the mention of Derek's name. Just the tiniest smidgen that he is alive and will. A tiny bit of dirt. Anything that I can either fantasize about or elaborate on.

"Not much. I just figured I would check up on you. You weren't looking so good when we left." He points out. At that moment, I feel a bit of a rumble in my tummy. I wonder if it is that noticeable to everyone. I sure hope that it is not.

"I was fine." I say quickly. I was fine. Or not. Okay, Mer, keep lying to yourself. Once you convince yourself, maybe you can convince everyone else. Maybe.

"Yes. You were fine just like you were fine in the car. Okay, Mer. It's obvious to everyone." He tells me frankly. What is obvious? The fact that I have become some lovelorn emotional freak? Or the fact that I am less grumpy and more something else. Maybe it is the fact that I am openly miserable, just as before, but with a bit more of an edge.

"I am okay. I guess I am in a funk." I tell him with a sigh as I walk over and lay back on my bed. I need to lay on my bed. I need to get to my center and all that zen crap. Maybe I need to look into that. Maybe it will help me.

"Yeah. I guess so. But that funk you talk about? That would be called love. Don't worry, Derek is feeling it too." He tells me. I feel the blood pump so quickly through my veins that a hot flush comes over my whole body. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Or at the very least, I may just pee my pants.

"Derek found love?" I ask simply. It really can't be me and I'm not sure why my delusional self is thinking that it can be. "That is great..." I mutter as I trail off. Truly, the idea makes me so sick I am fighting the need to vomit all over myself.

"Um, yeah. Derek has found love. Apparently you have too." He tells me. Now my attention is piqued. I am definitely more than delusional. "You two have found love... Together. With each other." He says frankly. I let out a shocked gasp. Could it be true? Could Derek feel the same way as I?

"What?" I ask in a true state of shock. I never thought it could actually be. Actually is a lot stronger than possibly and I will take it graciously. "What do you mean?"

"Mer, playing dumb is not your strong suit. You are no good at it." He warns me as he takes a quick pause. "He talked about you the whole way home. First it was masked and by the end of the drive, it was out in the open. He went on and on about you. He is in love with you. How could you not see it?"