Less than Lovers, More than Friends

Feeling Something

I miss Derek. God, I wish I did not. I wish there were a way for me to lie to myself further. If I could just convince myself to believe all the bullshit I tried to stream through, I'd be happy. Instead, I know that I miss him. I know I care about him, and yet I try to lie. I pretend that I could not care less if I never saw him again. The truth is, if I didn't see him again, my heart would ache and I would feel as if it were the end of the world. That is what he does to me.

My days never change. My life never changes. Everything remains the same. I go through the same steps. I do the same pattern as if my life depended on it. Many times I have been teased. Many times people have said that I am an old lady who is trapped in a young woman's body. I have already placed myself in the mold, and I'm not even trying to change. I am there. I am in a rut. I am alone.

My friends want me to do things. They would want nothing more than for me to go hang out every weekend. They want me to go with them and waste my time, being foolish like them. I'm so future oriented that it is ridiculous. The funniest part of it all, is that the future holds nothing for me. I am following in my mom's footsteps. What is the future alone? It was something I was always prepared to deal with, and yet now, it seems so daunting to me. The future actually sounds like the final act.

I lay back on my bed, reading my book. I don't have the drive to study, and yet I am. Studying hasn't always been the easiest thing for me to do. It seems to go in and then no where. It's like all of my thoughts and knowledge vaporize before they can even be absorbing into my thick skull. That problem, coupled with the fact that I am so distracted, only makes things ten times worse. Damn Derek seems to consume my thoughts more than anyone else. As I go to roll over and find a comfortable spot, I hear my phone ring.

I don't always answer my phone. I screen my calls more often than not. I avoid Izzie at all costs when I am in that mood. I am in that mood a lot. It seems like that mood has now become my normal mood, and that is sad. I am not the person I should be. I should have morphed into someone better than the person I have become, because really, I have become a monster.

I look at my phone. It's Mark. I can't help but smile, something I rarely do anymore. There are a few people that cam make me smile and he happens to be one of them. Mark is like that light when you are in the cave. He comes just when you need him. You smack the flashlight just a little harder, and on pops the light. He has no idea how good he makes me feel. He has the ability to pull me up from a dark place, much like Derek. I would never admit to Derek that he has that power to. It seems I hide my emotions. I know that, and now everyone else is figuring that out too.

"Hey!" I say happily. It's hard not to be happy. He called me. That means he wants to talk to me. I don't like chasing people around, and when they come to me it makes me feel all the better.

"Hey, Mer. How are you?" He asks happily. It's hard to believe that is boy was once so depressed that he contemplated killing himself. Now he is like a ray of eternal sun. It's invigorating and annoying at the same time.

"I'm good." I lie. the thing is, I haven't been good in so long, Im not sure what good is. I will just continue to bullshit everyone for all eternity. The truth is, I'm not happy, so why not let them be happy with my false happiness.

"Sure." Mark says, knowing better. At least he knows. I don't want him to think I am mopey, or that I am some person that is incapable of happiness, however true it may be.

"No, Mark. I really am feeling great." I say as I try to push forward just a little more. At least if I'm going to lie, I am going to lie really well and try to convince him. "Actually, I'm going out with friends tonight. In just a little bit." I add. Now I am rolling. Now I am lying so well.