Less than Lovers, More than Friends

The Pain is Released

Derek gives me solace. I feel so much better when he is around. I can't admit that to him. If I did, I would look weak and helpless. That would make me vulnerable. I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone at all. I can do everything I need on my own. I was trained to be alone, and I can handle it. No one should ever need anyone. I think that the key to a good relationship is being independent. If you can do things on your own, surely you will be even better with some support. Nonetheless, I do not want support. Not at all. Alone suits me.

"He had been following me around forever. It had gotten so bad, everyone would ask where he was if he wasn't there. He was my puppy, they said. Everyone thought it was cute. My grandparents found it adorable that someone was so in love. I thought it was creepy. My friends thought it was creepy. He was older than me, Derek. Not by a lot when you get older, but when you are a kid and not looking for that, it scares you." I explain as I attempt to calm myself down. I need to relax or I will be sick.

"That is understandable, Mer. That is something that you can't help but feel." Derek tells me as he strokes my arm. My head is telling me to run away from him and forget all of this. I want to escape the pain that is creeping up on me. My head says run, my heart says stay, Derek will take care of me.

"Like I said, he was always there. And me, I was always hiding. It just felt wrong. I felt like a woman, and I didn't like it. He wanted me. He wanted all of me. He wanted love and sex. I couldn't do it, Derek- Not after- I could not do it. It was too much. At some point someone asked me when he was going to mount me. It made me sick. It made my stomach turn. Maybe I should have tossed myself aside. I guess it would have saved him." I say with a sigh. I have always been confused as to what I was supposed to say and do.

"So what exactly happened?" Derek asked. I guess he wants e to get onto the story. Can't he see, I am avoiding. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about any of it. I draw in a breath as I think back.

It's a warm day. I'm actually not a fan of the heat. If it were up to me, I'd rather be just a touch cold. And I don't like the sun. We need it to live, and get it can inadvertently kill us. It makes me literally sick when I am in it too long. Having horses, this isn't a good mixture. When I was little, I would beg the instructor to let us ride in the indoor arena, even on a beautiful day. I have been able to tolerate it more and more, but it will still occasionally give me splitting headaches.

He is here. He is always here. The minute I see his car drive in, I feel tense. My friends say he is a nerd, and he is. He is nice, and caring, but he is a huge nerd. He's not very smart, either. I mean, why does he have to chase after me? Why can't he just go away? Just one of my friends has said I should hang out with him. He has a car, and a job. He could be great for me. I could at least have fun. She said who cares what everyone else says or thinks? She doesn't know. She has no idea. I can't do it. I can't get close. I get close and I get hurt. I hate them. I hate them all.

"Hey, Mer." Johnny says as he walks into the barn aisle. Today, I decided not to hide. Everyone has left me. They always do. Let's leave Mer out on a limb, it will be funny to watch her dangle.

"Oh... Johnny... Hey." I say slowly. Can't believe he doesn't see it. How can he not see how I am feeling. Why is he hanging out when all I do is ignore him and run away. Instead of walking away, he stands here and looks even more like a fool. "What's going on?" More like, why are you here, you dumbass?

"Not much. I just thought I'd stop by and see what you are doing. Are you going to ride? It's a nice day, you should ride." He suggests innocently. You would like that, wouldn't you? Just stop by? You never leave. You were already by my house this morning. Just stopping by. Yeah, right.