Less than Lovers, More than Friends

Weak

I think we've all figured out that Meredith doesn't like to talk about her feelings. Yep, I do not. It makes me absolutely sick. If I never talk about it, no one can judge it. The last thing I need to do is confess my feelings to Derek. If I tell him the truth, that I am madly in love with him, the next day he will sever all ties and forget I'm alive. Or maybe he would break my heart by telling me that I was far too involved and he had never committed that much to our screwed up relationship. I'm not sure I'm willing to put myself out there like that.

So here Derek is. I see his mouth moving. I can tell you he looks totally into it. I's almost bet that what he is saying is coming from his heart, or at the least he thinks it is. Derek seems happy and comfortable as I stare at him, seeing moving lips but trying like hell not to hear that sound. Does this make me a bad person? Yes, I'm sure it does.

"Are you listening to me?" He asks seriously. What do I say, no Derek, I have not heard a word you said because I don't want to. "I'm pouring my heart out here." And there it is. Didn't I tell you he was? I was right and I wish I was not.

"Yes." I tell him simply. Dear God if this is a test and he starts asking me what he has said, I will fail miserably. At that point, I will bail out of the car, rolling away. I will then climb on buses and jump on trucks to beat him home. I think I have the advantage because I am not sure he knows the way to my house. Then I will pack everything up and place it in the driveway, never talking to him again. No way.

"You looked like you were zoning out." He says frankly. Damn him, how does he know?

"I'm sorry, Derek." I say as I look away and out the window. It is cool by the water and I have caught a slight chill. I'm not sure what I am sorry for, but I do think that he will make a up a reason and all will be well.

"It's okay, baby. I know how you are. I guess I am just hoping one day you won't be anymore." He says in disgust or something like that. I don't even know how to take that? Is he wanting to be something I am not? Is he wanting me to change solely for him? Is he giving up on me? I am feeling like I have nothing. And I guess I shouldn't have anything.

"Oh." I say as I sit there, feeling so terrible about myself and this situation. I don't cry often, but I want to. Maybe it is time to give up on happiness. My mom always said I would die and old maid and I think she was right. She doesn't know me, but at the same time, it may just run in the family. Easy sex and no strings. I think that is us. "Oh."

"What?" He asks as he grabs my hand. This is probably the point where I am supposed to look lovingly in his eyes. I will not. Then he will read me. Then he may make me cry. I have had a lifetime of alone and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

"I don't know. I mean, I know what you are saying. And I appreciate you saying it. And... Can we-" I start as I feel all that emotion trying it's way out of my body. Get down, stay down in the pit of my stomach.

"Go home?" He suggests. Apparently he knows I am ready to spontaneously combust. Pieces of me will be all over the inside of his pretty car. I'm sure he doesn't want that.

"Perfect." I say happily as I realize that for the time being I am escaping this emotion fueled conversation of his heart. I know, I am pathetic. Most people aren't like this. I also know that I can't just wake up tomorrow and be okay. I just won't.

The car remains silent. The sad thing is, I thrive in that. I am like a mold that thrives in the dark. I want to be the bread left under the bed for a school project. I don't want to be pulled out. I want to be forgotten. I want to be left alone. I don't understand why Derek wants to try for me. What can't he just take what I can give him? Why can't he be like most guys, happy with sex and no emotion.