November Dreams (M.C.)

Chapter One

I awoke suddenly, the room spinning. My chest was heaving violently as I looked around the room, panic-stricken. I wiped the beads of sweat off of my hot forehead and I glanced at the clock. 2:43.

It's the same every night; I wake up, usually crying, with no recollection of what happened. It's always at the same time, night after night. I know what woke me up, but I can never remember it completely. Its always bits and pieces, and it always ends the same way. I'm glad I can't remember the whole thing. If I did, I don't know what it would do to me.

I was already barely hanging on.

I winced as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. The shadows on the wall danced in their familiar shapes, greeting me at the usual time. I pushed myself slowly from the bed; the sheets were soaked with sweats and my pillows were stained with tears and the remnants of yesterday's mascara.

I wiped s stray tear from my cheek as I stood with my arms crossed in the middle of my bedroom floor. It was quiet, my bedroom. Before all this, it was a place of peace; a place where I could hide away from the world. Now, that world haunts me. It's not safe in here anymore for me; it reminds me of too many things.

I paced back and forth, trying so hard to remember. But I could never remember, no matter how hard I tried. I don't know why I thought tonight would be any different. I paced, hands on my head for what seemed like hours. The shadows on the walls mocked me. They knew my routine. They were here every night to witness my breakdown.

My mind was fuzzy; I tried so hard to push past the static, but to no avail. My body was working against me. I collapsed to the floor in defeat. Shrinking into a ball, I let out a sob. I held my eyes in the palm of my sweater, shielding them from my prison.

Why can't I remember?

I sobbed quietly to myself on my spotless floor. The thoughts ebbed back and forth in my mind like a retreating tide that I could never reach. They were getting further and further away each night. It was getting harder for me to recall anything anymore.

Please let me remember.

He was starting to become as elusive as the shadows on the walls, only showing up at night and mocking. He was relentless. I knew how he wanted me to feel, but as the memories slipped gently from my consciousness, all I wanted was to remember. I wanted to remember the hurt, the rage, the betrayal; anything but what I was currently stuck with. All I could feel was empty sadness and confusion. I yearned to feel anything more. Anything.

My body began to shake violently. My cries became dry as I heaved in a silent sob. I curled myself into a tight ball and lay on the floor. As the madness descended on me right on schedule, I couldn't help but try to remember his face.

As the shadows closed in on me, I could have sworn that one of them wore his face.

I need to remember.

I need him.

Before I lose myself completely.