Chapter Nineteen

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My world was crashing down right in front of me all over again. And it was because of him. I don't know why I even tried; I should've known that he would do this. He never loved me to begin with. If he did, he wouldn't have hurt be in the first place.

I just felt numb all over again.

I tried to catch him; to make him see how desperate I was to see him. Just hearing his voice over the phone sent chills up my spine. But it just wasn't meant to be. Nothing was meant to be lately.

I collapsed to my knees in the street as all the feeling left my body. I sobbed into my palms as cars honked at me to get up, but I couldn't. Eventually, they got the hint and went around me. But I sat there, sobbing into my hands for longer than I care to recall.

Eventually I got up and forced myself to drive home with no music, only the sounds of the road muffled in the background. I was fading in and out; I barely remembered getting home or even most of the car ride. I was too broken to for a coherent thought. All I could do was ask myself what I ever did to deserve any of this.

I trudged up the stairs and into my apartment, closing the door slowly and silently behind me. I didn't even bother getting in bed. I curled up on the floor right there in the doorway and slowly cried myself to sleep.

I had a feeling as I began to slip out of consciousness that I would dream tonight.

And it would be of him.

//

MICHAEL'S POV

It took every ounce of strength I had not to turn around and go back for her. I was losing her all over again, but this was my fault to begin with. I hurt her months ago and now I was doing it all over again.

Watching her break down in the parking lot as she got smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror broke something inside of me. I felt my stomach twist into the tightest knots; I felt as if I was going to burst open. My fingers curled tighter around the steering wheel, trying to steady the car as I lost myself more and more with each mile I put between us. But finally, it was too much. I closed my eyes, ready for whatever happened next. I felt the car drift and as I did, I prepared myself to let go. But I couldn't. I deserved to miserable. I deserved to feel this pain for the rest of my miserable existence.

And boy would it be miserable without her.

I finally let it all out; I allowed the tears to spill onto my cheeks as a broken scream left my mouth and filled the car until I had no breath or voice left to scream.

I could barely see; my vision was blurred by all the tears I had been crying since I decided to leave her. As I sobbed against the window, all I could do was tell myself that she would be alright in the end. She didn't need me. And as much as I needed her, I didn't deserve her. Not anymore. Truthfully, I don't think I ever really did.

I kept telling myself that she would move on, that she would come out of this okay. I didn't care about myself right now. All I cared about was her. All I ever cared about was her.

All I could tell myself was that this was for her own good. I wasn't good for her; not anymore. She would be okay.

Even if I wouldn't be.

//

LUKE'S POV

"Calum put some pants on!"

"No! These underwear are awesome and I want you both to appreciate them!"

"Calum, put some—hey who drank all the chocolate milk?!"

"Not me! I think it was Michael...hey who's your favorite ninja turtle?" Calum asked Ashton as he looked down at his underwear. Ashton scoured the fridge, hoping his chocolate milk would reappear when he knew good and well that Calum was probably right.

Finally Ashton gave up and met Cal and I in the living room as I flipped through the channels.

"Hey, speaking of Michael, where is he?" Calum asked, still admiring his ninja turtle underwear. Ashton sat down beside Calum and I and looked at me intently, as if he were asking the same question but without using his words.

I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated at the thought of what happened earlier between Michael and I.

"He left earlier; I don't know where he—"

Before I could finish my sentence a very red-faced Mikey slipped quietly through the door. He looked down, trying to hide his face from us as he wiped his eyes and nose on his flannel sleeve. He made his way slowly to the hallway, sniffing a bit with every other step as he tried to conceal his crying. Just before he was out of view completely, he turned to look back at me over his shoulder. He looked more broken than he ever had. His cheeks were stained red and his eyes were so bloodshot he looked high. He looked sweaty and more worn out than ever. He looked like a zombie; a shell of himself. Just by the look on his face, I knew what had happened.


I knew that Michael wouldn't be the same again.

It was starting all over again, and I couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible.

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