November Dreams (M.C.)

Chapter Thirty (Michael's POV)

Was it a bad thing that when I caught on fire, all I could think about was her? And, had she been alive, how she would have reacted to it? I wondered if she would have been worried, or if she would have cared at all. Me, I was past the part of worrying for myself. All I worried about was her, even as she lay six feet under. But I knew that I would love her in death just as I did in life. That would always be true.

Since the incident with Luke at our last concert, we hadn't so much as looked at each other. He was keeping secrets and I honestly didn't want to know them. I couldn't bear to worry any more than I already had been.

I had locked myself away since then; I usually did that when we were back home. I relished this alone time. When I was in that house with the boys, there was no such thing as alone time. The walls were too thin for that kind of privacy.

Usually I would use this time to reacquaint myself with my video games, but this time was different. In my solitude, my mind was opened. I let my feeling pour onto paper and ring out in the strings of my guitar. It was all for her. I needed a way to say goodbye, even if I could never say it for real. Maybe a song for her would help give me closure, though I doubted it. Closure was next to impossible with this kind of love.

I wanted it to be perfect; I was going to sing it for her when we arrived in America. Our first show there was in three days; we were leaving in the morning and I was anxious. I wanted this to be perfect for her, even if she wouldn't be there to hear it, at least in physical form. But I had to do it anyways; she deserved perfection.

//

One Week Later...

I couldn't do it.

It just didn't feel right.

It wasn't the right place, Vegas. It needed to be somewhere closer to home. Closer to her. I was going to sing it, I had to. But I was nervous; I was worried that after this, my heart would let go of her. The moment I spoke those words to the tune of my guitar, that could be it.

But it was a chance I had to take.

We arrived at our hotel in San Diego the night before we were to play. I was singing it tomorrow; I had made up my mind. We had taken a trip here together one year, just the two of us. I remembered running through the city with her just before the sun rose, eventually making it down to the water to feel the water on our skin and the cold sand squish between our toes. It was the last good memory I had of her, before I did what I did and sent us down this hole. I remember the glow of her skin in the twilight, her eyes illuminating us, illuminating my heart. It still glowed, even without her here. She was everlasting.

It was time to repay her for her love, the way Ishould have in the beginning.

The hotel room was cold; I was forced to room with Luke. I chose to say nothing about it. I didn't want to perpetuate more drama; my nerves were already eating me alive about tomorrow. I didn't need something else to weigh me down mentally.

He wanted to say something so badly, I could tell by the desperate looks he had been flashing me since that day back home. I didn't care, though. I no longer cared what he had to say, especially if it was about her. Small noises left his mouth in the darkness of our room and i ignored ever one of them. He cleared his throat.

"Mike?"

Leave me alone, Luke.

"Mike, are you awake?"

Leave me alone, Luke.

"Mike?"

I continued to ignore him until he sighed and rolled over, signalling his defeat. As I smirked to myself in the darkness, however, I slowly started to realize how truly alone I had become. Without Luke, I was by myself.

And so I slept again in agonizing silence, hands clutching only the empty air beside me.