Coiled (Book 1 of 2)

Regarding Affinities

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

December, 1977.

Reggie's hands move against the small of my back in slow, delicious circles as he leans against me in the darkness.

It must be around midnight now.

We've lingered.

And though it'd be prudent to leave,

I'm helpless in willing myself to part from your company.

Bringing his lips to rest against my throat, he squeezes me affectionately.

I feel him. Feel his breath, his heartbeat.

I feel ...

... his hesitation.

Exhaling and resting my chin on his shoulder, I whisper to him through the darkness, "... Yes?"

"I suppose we should talk, right?"

"If you're open to it."

"It hasn't been my intention to come off as avoidant -"

Pulling back, I reach my hand out and trace a faint line down the side of his jaw, one finger brushing lightly over his lips, "I haven't - we haven't - felt that."

"... It's the 'we' that I've been preoccupied with. Considering it over and over."

The 'we.'

You and Evan and I.

A bit of silence as Reggie and I consider one another in the darkness. As his hand resumes slowly caressing my lower back, I whisper back to him, "... And?"

"... My relationship with Evan is ..."

But rather than finish the thought, his eyes instead lock on mine as he shakes his head in frustration.

Help him. Help him find the words.

He's asking for support, and I can give it.

I debate my next words carefully, "... To use Evan's own words, 'very complicated.'"

"Very complicated, yes."

"To be clear, we're talking about the feelings you have for one another, right?"

"... That's right. Our shared attraction. Our long term affinity."

"Never acted on."

It's not a question or a statement but rather a prompt offered up in an effort to help him navigate.

"... Never ... never felt as though we could."

My throat tightens at this. It's not just the fact that it's a sad thing to say; it's the obvious longing that bleeds through as he says it.

His eyes remain on mine as his face twists with sadness, "... Never had the freedom to even talk about it before Sunday. Not something spoken aloud. Not with him, nevermind anyone else."

When I just nod, he continues, "... And I didn't mean to react so poorly. Really, I didn't. It's just - I was so shocked - so blindsided to hear about your feelings for one another. I mean ... I didn't realise the two of you even properly interacted ..."

"Sort of a fluke, the way all that came about ..."

I never planned on knowing Evan.

Never even imagined exchanging a single word with him.

"And then on top of it, to so openly discuss the unspoken feelings between him and I ..."

"I understand. I get it, I do."

He pauses again, sighing, "You see ..."

I wait, nodding supportively as he seems to search for the right words. Swallowing, he takes a deep breath and continues, "When something lives only in your mind ... when that thing is never given the permission or the freedom to be spoken or acted upon ..."

His voice wavers now, "... That sort of thing takes a toll on a person."

"Of course."

"And - to suddenly have it addressed - to be confronted with it - when you've resigned yourself to what you've decided is an impossibility - it just - I just -"

Pain -

All of his pain and conflict over this - I can feel it.

Slipping my arms around him, I guide him into me for a hug, feeling his body relax against mine. And then, I whisper to him softly, "It's ok though, right? Everything's ok. We broached the topic, and nothing completely terrible happened. A bit of unpleasantness, and discomfort, but nothing world-ending, right?"

"Right," he sighs against me, his body further relaxing into mine, "You're right."

My arms around his waist, I hold him close, feeling his own arms tightening around me as he hugs me back.

"... How is he?"

Reggie whispers the question tentatively.

"He's ... alright."

"... But?"

"But he struggles just the way you do. And he misses you, misses you fiercely. And worries he's distressed you."

"Don't forget the other part."

"The other part?"

"That on top of all this, he's wrestling with what he sees as a forbidden longing for you."

That took me by surprise and I hesitate -

'What he sees as forbidden...' ?

Stumbling at this, I choke back hesitantly, "Meaning?"

Reggie's eyes fix on mine as he squeezes my hand, "Meaning ... that if you have feelings for one another, I do want to support that."

My reply is immediate, and breathy, and definitive, "... And if you have feelings for one another, I want to support that."