Coiled (Book 1 of 2)

Journal Entry No. Six

From the Private Journal of XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (Name Redacted).

Dated only by year, not month: 1979.

She's been gone so long ... 

At least that's how it feels to me

And I've not written in these pages for weeks - I've not had any desire, none in the slightest.

But my cobwebbed mind demands I exorcise some of its darkest corners.

For I am agitated

And I need some form of expression

And so, in what follows, I'll relate to you the dream that stirred me awake last night.

... 

He & I, together.

And that right there's the proof it was a dream.

For he & I, we cannot even stand the sight of one another these days, as you well know.

But in this dream - this dream -

... We are together in the study, fire blazing.

And I see myself healthy,

I see myself well.

There I am, seated in the leather armchair, shirt unbuttoned, reclined back.

One hand running slowly through my hair as I part my legs and beckon him closer with my finger.

And him?

He's a vision.

Though that hardly needs stating.

Anger or not,

Dream or not,

He's the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on.

That'll never, ever, ever change.

And so I see in his handsome face now the most satisfying expression of longing.

Both his hands pressed against the surface of the desk, he stares back at me eagerly.

And so

I beckon once more, this time more commandingly.

Pushing himself forward and off the desk, his eyes catch in the dim light

Fire flickering

"... Really?"

But I just bite at my lip and nod

"Mmmmhm."

"Shall I crawl?"

That sends a secret shiver down my spine

So many butterflies

Even now, even as I recount this

Because the way he begs ...

... You haven't learned the meaning of the word delicious - not truly - if you've never heard him beg for you the way he begs for me.

But I -

I am a master at hiding my fluster

I am an understated man

A force to be reckoned with.

And as such, my face and form betray nothing.

Voice calm, my mouth forms the most flirtatious smile, "What was that?"

"I said ... shall I crawl?"

He repeats it as requested, his eyes pleading with me.

"Do you want to crawl?"

"For you, always."

A laugh from me, as I sit up in my seat, "Crawling's too slow. And I'll get jealous of the floor."

... So just get over here, already.

As if reading my mind perfectly, he comes right to me, hands finding their way to the arms of my chair as he leans forward, bringing his face to mine

And then he whispers my name

Not my first name, though that's always a delight

No

He whispers my last name

Calls me Mr. ________

Oh -

... Very well

I am your Mr. ________

And you are mine

We are ours, forever in dreams at least

My heart secretly pounding, my voice somehow remains cool and collected;

"Repeat it. Slower."

My hand, lifting up and slowly stroking the side of his face

And once again, ever obedient, ever willing to please

He does exactly as I ask.

I'm melting now, internally -

I'm desperate for him now, as ever -

And so I nod to him

I've given him the signal he so eagerly seeks.

Sighing with relief, he dips in and brings his lips to mine.

And then, emboldened, drops his hands from the arms of the chair onto my thighs.

I can feel the heat within me already -

A heat that rises as his palms begin slowly sliding up my trousers.

And as we kiss, I nod against him.

More please -

Give me more, please -

My wish, granted

And I'm whimpering as he begins to pull at my zip.

I feel his hand, slipping beneath, onto my pants.

And then - just when he's about to truly touch me the way I need

...

...

... I awaken.