Forever and Ever ∞ K. Jacobs

Chapter 5

*trigger warning for this chapter: panic attack and mention of death*

"God why do you take so long to get ready D, we got up an hour ago." karl groaned, I looked to my left to find his head leaned back against the seat, a small smile on his face which told me he wasn't actually annoyed. "hey, I don't wake up looking this good, it takes time." I said gesturing to my whole body before going back to lacing my shoes, "I've seen you first thing in the morning and I can confidently say you don't need all that time to look good." he said, looking down at his phone to check the time. "karl jacobs you are such a flirt!" I exclaimed, shoving all my stuff back into my bag and tossing it in the back seat. "I'm just being honest, now come on its almost 1." he said before jumping out of the car and running towards the makeshift grave where the cameras were already set up. I got out of the car, following behind him while pulling my jacket around myself; why is it so cold today of all days.

*trigger coming up*

As I stood behind the camera watching Chris and Karl film a bit where they play different noises into Jimmy's walkie talkie, it hit me that I forgot to pack my anxiety meds. I took them yesterday morning before coming here and just completely forgot to pack them. Considering the fact that I've been taking them every morning for almost 4 years I don't know how I possibly did that. As soon as the realization hit me I knew you could see the panic on my face as at that exact moment Karl looked up at me and scrunched his face together in confusion. "I pulled the batteries out of the walkie talkie like 30 minutes ago." I heard a Jimmy say through the walkie talkie as I turned to Jordan, "I have to take a lap, I'll be right back." I whispered and before he could respond I just walked away. I walked right into the production van and sat down, placing my head between my knees and tried to control my breathing.

I was always a very nervous child but by 10 I was having full blown panic attacks every day at school. When I was 8 my dad died in an accident, he drove long haul and one day in winter his truck spun out of control and well... He didn't make it out of the crash. That same year we moved back in with my mom's parents who are both old school Greek meaning they don't believe in 'all that mental health stuff' which is why it took so long to even go see a doctor. I tried therapy for a while but after one too many hospital admissions it was clear this wasn't going away on its own. We tried everything to control my anxiety attacks naturally but nothing worked. I moved out at 18 because of how toxic my home life was and honestly with how bad my relationship was with my mom, I would've been kicked out if I didn't move on my own. I've been on meds ever since, they've worked wonders for me but the issue is if I don't have them, we run into this problem.

I sat alone in the van borderline hyperventilating for a good 10 minutes until I felt myself starting to calm down a bit, that's when the door opened revealing a concerned looking Karl. "are you okay? I knew when I saw your face that something was off." he said in calm, quiet voice as he climbed into the van and shut the door behind him. I clutched the water bottle that I found to my chest in an attempt to ground myself and just nodded, unable to say anything. He slowly made his was over and sat down about half a foot away from me. He's seen me have a few anxiety attacks and he knows to give me space while I'm coming down from them. I took a deep breath, pulling the water bottle away from my chest and attempting to twist it open but my hands were shaking too much. "here, can I help?" he asked quietly, when I nodded he took it out of my hands and opened it before handing it back to me.

*you're good*

I was eventually able to get the water in my mouth and once the shaking stopped he scooted closer and pulled me into his side; the worst was over and he could touch me again. (idk how those of you have anxiety and how the people around you have to handle them but this is just what works for me and I only know my own experience so this is just how hers are) We sat in silence for a few minutes, his arms around me and my head on his chest, the only sound in the van was my heavy breathing. "okay, I'm good." I said and we pulled away from each other. "I'm glad, that's the worst one you've had in a while, I was worried." he said, standing up and following me out of the van. "I know, I should know better by now to always have my meds on me. I'm sorry you had to see that." I felt immensely guilty as I'd clearly pulled him away from the shoot seeing as they were filming without him right now. "hey, don't apologize, I'll always be here for you." he said with a small smile holding his pinky out towards me. "forever and ever." I said, wrapping mine around his, "forever and ever."