Having Fayth

the lion's den

FAYTH

The sun shone through the curtains pleading my eyes to open and pull me from my sleep. Muscular, tattooed arms slung over my stomach and heavy, even breathing in my ear. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall into the trap of a man again but look at me now.

I spend every day looking for proof that could lead me to my father's killer. I have every expendable man at Axel's disposal trying to track Christie's location. And when I'm not out looking, I'm training for that inevitable moment where I come face to face with the person who took my light from me and cast me into darkness. Each day that passes I can feel it eating away at my sanity. The scary part is, sometimes I find peace in that feeling.

With ease I grasp Ax's hand and pluck it from my body while I slide soundlessly from the bed. Slipping on a pair of leggings and a shirt, I pull on a pair of boots, grab my jacket, and head for the door.

Last night it reached below freezing and I can feel the lake calling me. I put my earbuds in and turn on a song while I take the shortcut through the woods. A blanket of white covers every surface. The beauty is almost touching, but the closer I get to my house the more my stomach twists and flips. My heart aches every time I pass by. That's why I don't stay there anymore. I can't. Physically, emotionally, psychologically... I can't deal with being in that house for too long. I'm afraid I'd have a mental break down.

What happened with Axel was stupid. I knew it even in the moment that I was giving in, but I couldn't help myself, or rather, I didn't want to. I wanted the distraction. I needed the comfort. I longed to feel something. Anything other than the pain and emptiness I'm feeling now.

I care about him. He's always there for me. He puts me first and doesn't make me guess where I stand. Somewhere in my gut I know he is a danger to my heart and soul. I know the devil himself will drag me under and drown me in his world until my eyes shine dark as night, but maybe... right now... that's what I need.

Angels can't commit the sins I wish to inflict upon the one responsible for what I'm feeling. I want them to burn in my rage, drown in my despair, choke on the blood they spilled, and wallow in the misery they have left me in without my father.

Tears fill my eyes and burn behind my lids, but I refuse to let them fall. Not again. I won't let another tear fall until I have gotten justice. He deserves justice. God, I was such a shitty daughter. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and I threw it all in his face for some stupid boy. I should have been honest with him from the beginning. I should have trusted him to guide me as a father should guide his children. But I didn't. And I can't turn back time.

The thought has my heart stuttering in its beat. Sometimes I wish it would all just end. Lay me down in the dirt beside his still corps and let the earth swallow me whole. Let my worthless body become worm food. The only thing keeping me going is my need to do this one thing

Revenge.

And when I'm done, take me out of this world, because there will be no coming back from the pits I will travel. There will be a black stain on my soul. I'd sell it straight to Lucifer himself if he would deliver the murderer to his own demise.

When I finally break through the woods, my feet crunching through the icy surface, I open the shed and swap my boots for skates.

The feeling of gliding over the frozen water brings me a haunting peace. For a moment I think of the creatures who inhabit the frozen arena I dance across on sharp edges. Do they feel the bite of the cold as I do in my fingertips and nose? I recall asking my father once what happens to the fish when their home becomes a brick of ice. He told me about the layers of ice that took their time to form giving the population of swimming creatures time to dive lower and preserve their lives. They swim slower until the lake freezes and then they adjust and swim freely once again. But what would happen if I were to slip into a crack? Would there be anyone to pull me out before the thaw? Or would I become like the fish, trapped under inches of ice preserved until the ice returns me back to the top once made liquid again? The thought bleeds into memories. Memories of my dad and I on this lake.