Living In A Transphobic Home || TommyInnit trans story

"I'm not in control"

Tommy slowly woke up, everything hurt, his eyes were stinging and his head was pounding. It was dark, *no way I slept for that long* he thought, noticing he was in Tubbo's bed. He turned around to Tubbo, he was asleep. Now normally he would go for a walk outside but granted of what happened the two times before, he chose not to. He sighed, knowing he couldn't get back to sleep so he slowly got up so he wouldn't pass out and looked at himself in the mirror. *Girl* his first thought was and he agreed with it. He didn't see a boy in the mirror at all, no boys had long blonde hair and looked as skinny as him, well there obviously would've been boys that looked like that but Tommy had never seen any before. Plus, his jaw was too soft for it to look masculine, same with his shoulders, they weren't wide enough.

He hadn't taken the trans tape off, so he did, turning side ways to look at his chest, instantly hating it, it made him feel sick as he quickly turned around and started tearing up, *why am I crying? It's not even that serious, I'm just a big cry baby who depends on people too much* he thought before turning around and staring at himself again. He focussed on his hair, he turned around and looked at Tubbo sleeping peacefully. Tubbo's hair was the bouncing-fluffy short kind of hair that you could mess about with, Tommy knew he was jealous as he started thinking more. *When people look at Tubbo they think, yeah that's a boy, but when they look at me, I'm just a skinny little girl who keeps crying* he thought, feeling a tear drop from his eye. He turned back to the mirror, *why can't I look like that, why can't I pass as a boy like Tubbo does* he thought.

*Should I talk to him* he thought more, turning around and looking at Tubbo once again. *I shouldn't, he's asleep, and plus I have ranted to him enough about my problems*. Tommy then zoned back in at the sight of Tubbo moving, he only turned over before sighing. Tommy sighed in relief as he decided to go to the bathroom instead to get a proper look at his face.

He locked the door behind himself before looking at his face in the bathroom mirror, his nose was shaped weirdly, his eyebrows were messy, he had faint spots on his face and his eyes looked weird, the only thing he liked was his freckles that made a bridge from one eye to the other, going over his nose. But anyway, back to the things he hated. He hated how pale he was, he looked ill with bags under his eyes. *Tubbo doesn't have spots on his face, his face is clear and his jaw his perfectly fit for a boy, so why do I look like this* he thought as he felt himself start to break down quietly. It felt like the more he looked at his face, the more it started to change so he finally looked away and rubbed his eyes.

Once Tommy opened his eyes back up, he looked around, seeing the same pill tub he had held yesterday or so, he felt himself accidentally grab it and start to look at the labels. He then tried to open it, it didn't take him as long this time around as he poured a few into his hand and messed around with them. *Do it, you know you want to* the voice whispered to him. *But I don't want to* Tommy thought as he quickly put the pills away before looking around more, finding freshly bought razors in a pack. He had an idea, he liked the idea as he quickly opened the pack. *Its been so long* he thought, getting one of the razors out and rolling up his sleeve. *Am I really about to do this?* he thought as he took the razor slightly away from his arm. One part of him was yelling at him to cut but the other was begging him to stay clean from cutting.

Tommy felt himself start to become overwhelmed as his breathing slowly picked up. He couldn't think anymore as a voice yelled at him to cut but stay clean at the same time. He couldn't take it anymore as he pressed the razor down on his arm and sliced, it quickly started to bleed, not deep enough for the blood to run but deep enough for blood to show. *More* the voice told him, so he did more. He felt himself zone out as he cut more and more, no longer in control. He gasped as he zoned back in and looked at his arm, there was blood pouring from his arm drop by drop, he watched as it splatted on the floor. Out of shock, he dropped the razor and backed up, *that has never happened before, I have never done this much, normally just a few cuts, I'm not in control anymore* he thought as he started panicking. "I'm not in control" he said out loud as he grabbed fist fulls of his hair and pulled, walking back and forth around the bathroom in panic.