redefine | calum hood

twenty three

Twenty Three

Maddie

"Hello Maddie, how are you?" Aria asked as I came into her office with Calum following.

"Good, how are you?" I politely asked back.

"I'm good," she smiled. "You want Calum to sit in? Or want him to leave?"

"Sit in," I answered and she nodded. Calum and I took a seat on the couch while Aria sat across from us.

"I just want to understand today what's going through your head," she told her. "Whatever you are feeling, this is a safe place where you can just talk and help me and Calum understand," she explained and I nodded. We were quiet as I thought about what to say.

I wanted Calum to take over, I wanted him to explain everything, but I couldn't. I had to talk, and it sucked. There was no way I could express any of this. What I was feeling was too complicated for me to understand or explain, so I started with what I could understand, "I'm sad, a lot,"

"Would you like to elaborate on what is making you sad?" Aria asked as I looked down.

"Everything," I mumbled, "I'm sad that my brothers never cared, I'm sad that I was put in dangerous situations, I'm sad that nothing really makes me happy except materialistic things, and I'm sad that I don't think I'll ever be happy again," I explained as I took a deep breath looking up at the ceiling, "and I'm always crying, and I'm afraid to be alone at night, and I'm afraid to be in a car without directions up that I can look at. I don't remember much from when I was gone, and that scares me because I don't know what happened," I felt tears fill my eyes as I wiped my cheeks, trying to pull myself together.

"I think all of those feelings and reasons you have are valid, and I can tell you've been holding them in for awhile," Aria said and I nodded. "Are you frustrated with yourself? Or is this frustration more towards everyone else?"

"Myself, because I can't get over this," I hiccuped.

"This isn't something you should just get over, but more something that needs to be worked out. What you went through is traumatic, and it's perfectly valid to be mad at your brothers. And even though you're out of it, you haven't dealt with these feelings that have followed it," she explained and I nodded, finally looking back at her from looking up at her. "And if materialistic things make you happy-" she started, but I shook my head and looked at Calum.

"I'm sorry, I know you've done a lot for me and I'm sorry it doesn't make me happy-"

"Hey, don't apologize for that," he quietly told me and pulled me into a hug as I broke out into a sob, repeatedly apologizing. He did everything for me, and I was never happy about it. I appreciated it, and I tried to be happy, but it didn't work. I hated admitting that to him.

"It's ok if those things make you happy, sometimes things like these are the only thing that will make us happy. It doesn't mean that you don't appreciate Calum or anyone else," Aria promised me. "The materialistic things are given to you to have some joy in all of this chaos,"

"I just want to be happy again," I hiccuped, "like when I first met them,"

"We will get you there. It might take some time, but that's ok," she promised. "That's why you're here,"

"I want to be able to get in a car without being scared, and I want to be able to stay in my own room without panicking," I stuttered.

"Then those will be some of our goals," she lightly smiled as she handed me a box of tissues. "And we will find some exercises for that," she told me. "It'll take some work, but we will get there,"