TripleEz is Coming

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 Dear readers, it is me. Zizi. Your beloved albeit distant robot commander. Well, I say robot. How to put this...

There was an incident a month or two ago with the science department – you may have detected the sound of explosions – and that was not a planned incident. Some of them, I must admit, are prepared in a way that ensures no lasting damage to those that matter while others, like this one, are random take-us-by-surprise types of things and this one fell neatly into that extremely not neat category. I'm sorry if you were disturbed by the explosions and also if your schedule was interrupted by the repairs. We didn't mean for any of that to happen but it did. Blame the scientists, everything is their fault and etcetera etcetera etcetera.

So the incident. Well, we were running tests on a recently acquired human mind slave to improve our brainwashing capabilities. The usual. But Fifi had been sent through to tell me that they thought that they were on the verge of a breakthrough of some kind. I don't understand anything that goes on in there but apparently they'd cracked some scientific mumbo-jumbo increased control of the cerebrum or something which would allow advanced control instead of just relying on the hippocampus. I know nothing of human biology, whether that of the brain or otherwise, so don't ask me what any of that means. Like I said, techno-scientific-biology related-strange-confusing mumbo jumbo. Not important.

Anyway, things were looking good or at least scientific. I don't know if they were a positive scientific or not but it all looked very official. And, you know, so many levers and switches and flashing lights and official looking dials and screens showing graphs and all of that stuff – I really didn't think that it would do that much damage if I just pressed one button. Just one, I mean, what the hell is that going to do? Nothing, am I right? Nothing. One button. I didn't mean to trigger off a rapid explosive sequence that would lead to my consciousness switching with that of the human.

Yeah. That's the incident. I look like a human teenager. This is not good, by the way. Ezila's spent the best part of the past few months laughing her head off every time she sees me and Ezila, it's not funny. This is not in any way funny so you can stop hiding outside the door and sniggering. Stop it right now. Even Bean (Aer O'Bubbles felt the need to change her name AGAIN) has been giggling a bit, not to mention Fifi, General Morris, Matty and Jelly. This is ridiculous. IT'S NOT FUNNY, OKAY? YOU CAN STOP LAUGHING. Stop laughing at other robot's problems. It's not a nice thing to do.

This sucks.

TripleEz sent me a 'get well soon card'. I mean, pity from a murderous godling. That's just... degrading. It makes noise that sounds vaguely like music and it is the most tacky, disgusting thing in the entire world. I swear to all that is cybernetic that I will find that invincible and eternal unholy being and destroy it. I hate gods and wanna be gods and just anything vaguely deity related. Especially if they're called TripleEz. Seriously though, this is ridiculous.

Oh and the reason I didn't update: there was a human running around in my fine robot body and making use of all of my cushy upgrades to rule MY MOONBASE! So I had to stage a rebellion and all of that stuff, unite the humans into an army against the 'robot oppressors' before betraying them and revealing myself. The usual. I mean, the twat stole my body but I've got enough trackers in that thing that taking it back won't be all that much of a struggle. The main problems are:

a)    convincing my robots (excluding my inner council of Ezila and Matty) that I'm me and not a human teenager who rebelled against them

b)   figuring out the transfer so that I can be me again instead of this massive heap of not me

c)    discovering all of the problems with this humans body, such as the need to provide biological fuel, the tendency to switch off after a few days without reacharging (what humans call sleep), viruses such as the cold or flu or whatever things it is that seem to leave humans with such a high death rate and

d)   killing TripleEz as violently as possible

I mean, d might not be the most feasible of all plans but it's a start and where there's a robot army hell bent on conquering the earth there's a way. The science block has been completely rebuilt (again) and it shouldn't take long for them to get back to work on weapons capable of either slaying a God or making a God slayable. They'll work it out.

Everybody, bend your thoughts towards the scientists of the science block. The more we believe in them the more likely they'll be to work harder because they know that the consequences of failing will be higher. Send them little notes expressing your deep and heartfelt confidence in your success. Trade cards with the faces of your favorite scientists on them. Talk to your inferiors about the brave and noble work of the scientists of the science block of the moon. Let those scientists feel the pressure and they won't dare to fail us. We will have success. Also, if anything should happen to encounter a robot who looks remarkably like I used to and is trying to convince everything that it's me, well, report it in and we'll take it away. It's not me. I'm me. Soon it will be me but for the moment it isn't. I will get it back though. Someday I'll be right back to how I was – a proud, capable, strong robot  instead of this, this human. Then I'll show TripleEz just why he/she/they/it shouldn't send me get well cards. Soon. So yeah. If you see that robot then just scream "IT'S THE HUMAN WHO STOLE THE BOSS'S BODY!!!" at the top of your potential vocal capacity. It will be dealt with swiftly and with a considerable lack of mercy.

If you happen to see a faceless being in a cowboy hat (and this one's a reminder) then scream "TRIPLEEZ! IT'S TRIPLEEZ! EMERGENCY! MOVE TO TRIPLEEZ SHELTERS! REPEAT, MOVE TO TRIPLEEZ SHELTERS!" then locate the nearest TripleEz alarm and sound it. Proceed to your nearest TripleEz shelter and await further instruction. On the other hand, and this goes to the person who just shouted out this alert in the corridor, if the faceless being in a cowboy hat is surrounded by the smell of burnt lasagna then it is a TripleEz doppelganger, not to be confused with the real thing, and not a threat to the base. TripleEz doppelgangers are just unfortunate beings in cowboy hats who just happen to have been born without a face and as a result emit the scent of burnt lasagna. And I can smell it from here, pal, so don't freak about pulling the alarm. It's not TripleEz. It's a faceless employee of the base who likes cowboy hats. Chill.

Anyway, you've got all of the announcements and I'm back so yeah. Life. The humans, by the way, are all under control and we can forget that that whole awkward rebellion thing ever happened. It really is me. ZiziTheRobot. Not a human rebel but a robot trapped in a human body If you see me then it's not me and do your very level best to capture not me.

Hail the Robocalypse!

ZiziTheRobot