What Love Is Supposed To Be/ Bangchan x reader

Chapter 40 | Forever and Always

(Y/n) pov:

No one's home.. no one is here to stop me..
Empty I look at my bruised skin. There was a time were I didn't need this. Where I started to feel good about myself again.. and now it's like it used to be.
With ease I undress, only leaving on my underwear. I sit back down in front of my full body mirror.

I feel...
Fat.
Useless.
Worthless.
Stupid.
.... Hurt...

Why won't the tears stop? Why can't they just stop for a second. Just a moment of no pain or at least less pain. Please..

As I sit there, staring at my upper legs, I can feel the pain again. My nails slowly digging into my flesh.

That how it would always start. Feeling depressed, worthless and then I would dig them in without noticing. The only thing letting me notice would be the pain and the blood on the floor.

Not even this pain is making me feel better.. maybe it's too soft? Maybe I need more..

I am about to stand up, when my phone buzzes. Confused I look at the random number that's calling me. I pick up and put the person on speaker.

"(Y/n)!", A familiar voice says.
"What do you want Minho?"
It doesn't matter how he got my number.
"Chan is with me", he begins, but I just hang up.

I don't want to hear his name. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to hear see his face and I don't... I DON'T WANT TO LOVE HIM.

Desperate I grab my hair, hoping I could pull the love out of my head that way, but that's not how love works.

I stand up to get a pair of scissors I usually use for schoolwork and lay it down beside the place I had been sitting before. I also get myself a towel, when the door bell rings, but I ignore it. Instead I sit back down, glancing at my stomach.

"Jade is skinnier than I am... Maybe that's why he like her.. beside that.. she the daughter of a producer. His whole life could change if they were a couple.."

Again the doorbell rings and again I ignore it.

My gaze wanders to the scissors beside me. I pick them up and just look at the plate, when the bell rings for a third time. When I suddenly hear a bang and the sound of shattering glass, but I ignore that as well. Footsteps get louder and so does my heartbeat. I know who it's gonna be and I don't want to see him. But I don't feel strong enough to get up and lock the door.
As the steps get louder I lay the scissors back down and push them under my bed.
He doesn't need to see that.. so I take the towel and put it over my bleeding legs.
A few seconds later my door is also busted open by Chan and Minho. Both boys blush when they see me. While Minho instantly turns around and walks down the stairs, Chan walks to me.

"Go! Leave me alone!", I shout, feeling the tears come back.
"No. I will not leave", his eyes focus on my legs, that are covered by the towel. Quickly I put my unharmed arms over my legs.
"Why not? Don't you think you've hurt me enough?"

He doesn't answer.

The silence is killing me.

"Why? Why didn't you just tell me instead of letting me waste my love on you?", My voice shakes as I try to speak, while avoiding eye contact.
"Listen, he sits down beside me, making sure I can see the both of us in the mirror, "I saw the video. And I don't remember doing any of that. I swear! You have to believe me, (y/n) please!"
"I can't believe you.."

"I can't Chris.. I just can't.."
"But why? You know I love you.."
"No, I don't know that. But I know what I saw! You weren't there when I needed you and then you... Do that.."
"You're right with one thing.. I was not there for you when you needed me.."
Slowly he grabs the towel and puts it away, revealing my bloody legs.
"Why didn't you tell me about that? I could have helped you..", he speaks softly with sorrow in his voice.
"Like you helped me by making out with her?"

For a moment there is silence, until I speak again. This time louder and clearer.

"I know we aren't even together yet, but... I really love you! Seeing you like that hurts. Even though you're allowed to do whatever you want and everything, I still can't help but feel hurt by it... You knew how I think about love and when I give you a chance, you hurt me like this? Why?!"
"She drugged me."
Hearing that makes me speechless. Unsure on what to do I look up at him. His eyes are filled with water, as he keeps on speaking.
"I don't remember doing it and I did not want to do it. All of this caused you harm and I have possibly lost you now. And to make it even worst, you're doing that.. I know how hurt you are and I want to help you.. please.. believe me.."
While he speaks, tears fall and when he's done talking, he breaks down crying. Immediately I sit on my knees, so that I am able to hold him better. All he does is cry, when I also start to cry. And when I do he breaks out hug. Again looking at my scars and open wounds.
"Why did you do this?"
He seems desperate for an answer.
"The first time I did it was when I confessed to you.. I became so obsessed with my weight and... In the end it escalated.."
"That's why you don't eat much around me, isn't it?"
I nod.
"God, you're so dumb", he chuckles bitterly, embracing me in another hug, "Don't you dare to do it again.. and when you do it, tell me about it. I can help you, you know.."

I can't help myself but cry. Let every little emotion out, while he has his arms wrapped around me. After I calm down a bit, he again let's go of me.

"Let's take care of these wounds, alright?"
Chan stands up, offering me his hand, which I take hesitantly. He helps me up and offers me his hoodie, but instead I just choose my oversized hoodie, that's more like a dress than anything else.
Hand in hand we walk to the bathroom, where he sits me down to disinfect my founds and puts at bandages around my upper legs. When he's done he again offers me his hand to stand up and like before I take it slowly. The second I stand he wraps his arms around me again.

"What's wrong?", I look up at him with concern, as I can feel a few of his tears falling on my head.
"I thought I was too late.. I thought I had lost you... I would have never forgiven myself if that was the case.."
More tears stream down his face. Gently I swipe them away with the sleeves of my hoodie, causing him to open his eyes and look down at me.
"You didn't lose me. I... I'm just really hurt. In many ways, but I'm sure we'll work through that", all I can do now is try to make him feel better, even when I feel like shit myself.
"No no", he tries to force his tears to stay in, "I should be the one protecting you!"
Somehow I find this reaction cute and giggle.

"Listen. We'll take care of each other, okay?"
Chan takes a second to think, before agreeing with a nod.

I place my lips on his softly. He returns the kiss just as softly.

"I love you Chan."

"I love you too (Y/n). Forever and always."