To My First Love

~Outrageously Imperfect~

I must confess something... I have not always talked about you positively. To my friends and family, they have all heard the doubts about you that plague my mind. How the guilt eats at me every night but I tell myself that there is nothing wrong. In what I lack, I must seek guidance. Though, in the lack that I need... I should come to you. However, unavailability takes both your hands and my desire to keep my existence to you 'stress free' becomes my pitfall. I do my best to be someone who is giving, patient and understanding.

For a while, in my youth, I did lose patience... Calm dissolved like smoke until you brought it back to me. Addiction comes fast with you, one moment I'm on a high and then the next week after I'm at my lowest. I learnt to be patient again because we are almost a thousand miles away from each other. It's the very thing that I hold onto. Patience wears thin as worry starts to kick but patience is what keeps me cantered to be complacent to where we are.

I give and I give, you've never asked me to. It's just my nature to be generous but how joyous would I feel to receive. To feel more desired, wanted or appreciated. Sacrifice seems to be more of what I commit these days. I help in any way I can but it's not trusted. I assist you in tasks that affect my own daily routines and I bend to your time. I wish you could be someone I could go to for help. I wish I received comfort within you.

In my understanding is where I bite my tongue and sit down. I would never be someone who got in the way of your work and ambitions. You could never be happy in our relationship if you didn't feel accomplished. While our values are polar opposites; you in ambitions and I in love... I pray we can conjoin these two virtues one day. You're a busy man and I love the way you talk when you're at your pinnacle... Call me selfish but forgive me for wanting more of you.

These are merely dancing lightly of what I've conjured. Loss and infidelity burn my heart, singeing my happy thoughts; scorching our built memories. These becoming my greatest fear, do I think of these every day? Yes. I have to force myself not to look across the border but I do. I look and I'm in pain, I can see red in my eyes and red dripping from my chest. I've been a secret to your world but in my light... You are what I put as the Sun. Somewhere high and mighty but perhaps I've put you so high now that you've become unobtainable for me. Give me reason and give me hope. Show me love so I may cope. Let Love's Light be our strength so I can clear my blighted sight.

I once told you that you were my Hero. Someone who gave me love when I needed it most and in how I desired most. Someone who saved me from bleakness. The calm I needed that silenced the morgue. I've done right by your side and I pray you forgive me for speaking outside but I cannot continue to pretend as if you are my perfect lover. You are so outrageously imperfect yet perfect in my mind. Though I have talked ill about our relationship, I truly do love you. It's because the fear of fading and expectations dawns in my wake till night. While I dread in agony for truth, I hold my generosity, patience and understanding like the key to my house. I remember always that you are a working man, someone who wants and deserves to be proud of himself when he wakes up. You are a giving man by spending what little of the night you can with me and we both practice patience together. I forget that patience comes both ways and we work together on that.

I will forget. I do have self-destructive tendencies you don't know about but nothing those two things will ever make me forget is how much you mean to me and how much you care for me. Though in those dark times, I will always see your light. It still keeps my head up and gives my feet strength to walk forward believing that I am your one.