To My First Love

~A Weak Today~

It's been a complete 7 days since our separation. I can't say it's been easy nor can I say it's been hard. I already know what it's like to stop messaging you at the constant, it's just now that I'm reminded that for every little thing I want to say— I just can't anymore. It's kind of bizarre this week has been, I've gone up and down all the while never letting myself sit too long to think. Thinking is all I'm good for. I ponder on many things and let my mind voice everything inside. Where emotion and logic combine together to give the utmost 'me' answer I can find. I haven't done so in a while...

The first day was incredibly hard, you just broke up with me. I had cried for a good 2 hours before I laid still, empty and in shock. I let myself try to heal too fast. I didn't want to sit around moping when I thought you were feeling relieved. Part of me wished you were regretting your decision but that's not you. I tried reading the old writes I've done, glance at our timeline and stared at the pictures we took from our online game. Things were so much simpler and easier back then. We conveyed what we felt and that all changed somehow as time went on. My mom checked on me later that evening, she gave me a bowl of cut white peaches. I cried while eating them. I told myself that once I finished these peaches, that it would be over. I was forcing myself to cover up the bullet wound.

The second day was me trying to forget. I woke up not knowing what to do. I felt a huge sense of humility and pathetic wash over me. Slightly clear-headed, I messaged you that I would be your friend. Part of me said so just to be masochistic and hear that a year from now, you're happy with someone else. Part of me just didn't want to let go. Eventually later, I got dragged out of the house from my mom. Her attempt to cheer me up and for a second; I let it try. I let myself remember that my mom was my best friend before you, so I found some comfort there. It's crazy how in the span of two years you quickly grew to be my best friend. As the day went on, I did my best to put you out of my mind. My brother drove me to work, I wasn't in the right mindset for work. I shouldn't have gone but I told myself the world doesn't stop because I'm hurting. It never has and I'm grateful I got to practice and let out whatever I'd been holding up from last night.

The third day came by so quickly, my family and I went to the cemetery. Asking for help has never been something I've practiced. Lonely and desperate, I seem to be complaining to my ancestors. I wondered if this is truly what 'lost' feels like. I was so quiet and I tried to let my mind think. I wanted to believe there could be hope and a possibility for us one day. Then I thought closer towards the end of the evening how improbable that would be. Negativity in my heart grew blacker, as if black wasn't already opaque... I forgot that you were the Light before. Sunshine taken away leaves the world barren, empty, frozen and cold. My father tried to brighten my spirits by suggesting good food to eat. Spicy food and for a moment my brain thought: Pain somewhere other than my heart could work.

The fourth day had started with a jolt. I woke up from a strange dream and I debated on telling you until I did. I had to think and see for myself if we were friends or if we could make it work. Already feeling like I've lost, there couldn't be any more to lose than to attempt to message you. I recap you on my dream because I figured it would make you laugh or see a part of me that you missed. To my surprise, you responded maybe 4 hours later. It caught me by surprise and while my mind wanted to run wild with all the speculations of my previous attempts to strike conversation, I silenced my thoughts with unloving ones. You weren't mine to think about anymore. I took care of my granny during the day and my cousin texted me out of the blue. She asked me about how our relationship was and it hit me. I couldn't cry, get mad or do anything. She didn't know and I had to move onward. A huge pit of emptiness washes over and it's also when my classmates from martial arts ask me about that trip I was planning down to San Jose, I had to say that we broke up. Putting on a brave face is hard when you're fighting alone.

The fifth day came and another visit to the cemetery before I went about my day. It was going to be a fun day, I was going to an anime convention. I got so many great things, I'm happy with everything I collected and bought. I've always gone to conventions by myself, I never needed anyone beside me. However, just seeing people come with friends and significant others bothered me. I ended up finding a friend from martial arts class there and she asked if I came alone. Yeah... If the pumice rock was floating before then it's surely obsidian now. I can't say I had an entirely bad day, I was confident in what I got and I was in my own element. Seeing all the things we used to watch, my mind picking out items I would've gotten for you had we still been together... I found a slight peace within myself that told me I didn't have to dislike what we experienced together. What we watched and played, they're my enjoyment. I'll have to enjoy them without you now but it doesn't mean I have to stop. A small thank you was wished upon you for the fantastic experiences we've gone through.

The sixth day has me tired. I don't want to go to the anime convention again but I do. Out of the house is better in than trying to think. It doesn't bother me as much as it did yesterday but there sure are a lot of couples out today. I happened to be sandwiched between pairs entering into the convention. It was huge to me that it didn't hurt as much as yesterday had but if I stood in place too long, I know I would feel it well up in my chest. The day passes by rather plainly, I returned home early not knowing what to do now. Later that evening, my mind pondered on ever moving on. Everyone keeps saying, just take your time. My god, do I really want to but then I think about you. You're not taking the time to heal, you don't need to is what my brain keeps telling me. I'm trying to be strong and I'm good at hiding, you've always thought of me strong but I've never shown you. My mind wants to say goodbye but my heart doesn't hear anything. It's been boxed up this whole week.

Seven days and which is today marks a whole week. I'm here recollecting how this whole week has been. I haven't gotten everything all figured out. It's all come as a shock and yet not really. I've missed you, hated you, loved you, remembered you in all the ways I've always felt. It's good to see that feeling emotion hasn't eluded me. Right here and right now is where I'm letting myself think. Recall everything that has happened, to really sit and reflect. Have you noticed how many prefixed words I've used? 'Re', huh? Thinking about the past is what I've been doing. I know that staying too long in the past won't do me any good. I won't ever keep walking forward if I stay and maybe today is the step I'll take into the present. I'm just like a newborn calf learning to stand on its legs for the first time. I'll wobble because my legs are weak. Perhaps, I'll learn to find stability and that may take days. Though for a week, it was a mile-long journey of rediscovering the past; that's because we made it far.