To My First Love

To my first love... This is it. It is time to take a bow and it is time to put our story up on the shelf. With my final chapter to you, these will be my final thoughts. I pray this leaves me with clarity and peace. I hope you've gotten to understand and hear me better throughout all the pages I've written for you.

As I feel the days pass by more and more, the less I think about you but there's this knowing feeling in the back of my head. It's then do I know, you haven't eluded me yet. I wish I could easily forget the past that we shared, it's unfair and hard not to compare others to you all while wishing you'd wake up and realize me. Nevertheless, all of these thoughts are wrong. For what we shared, they should be remembered because it was never at all bad. You were there for me as I was there for you, and though the balance fell off; it shouldn't be forgotten. In my eyes, you will always be 'The Dream.' You were perfect in every fibre I wanted you to be. From the commonality to physique, humour, the morals and wisdom you possessed all to the short little things like your name being a personal favourite. Though I know well that captivity never made anyone happy. I can see it— The lion that holds his pride as proud as his mane. I wonder if 'Fate' was dangling you in front of me to change me or shape me better. That if I wanted to walk beside you, I'd have to excel higher than ever. However, I know my own capabilities. They would never soar as high as rockets to space because I've always been content as the bird who flew in its habitat. Maybe I missed out on an opportunity for greatness but if I never saw it so within my eyes, I don't believe it was ever in my path. There are parts of me that wishes you'd want me back but in my changed heart; I don't want to take you back. It was our latest conversation that made me realize how content you are, unneeded I always was but mostly I knew from the way my lips curved tightly. My eyes silently enraged and that's when I knew... For the first time, I was fake with you in this moment. Oh, but don't misunderstand me. I wasn't jealous of your work and success, not envious about your new companion and the conversations you already invested with others. It wasn't me being bitter nor wishing you unhappiness, none of that was within my heart. It was at that moment I had realized that we weren't friends anymore; we had become total strangers. It was if light shone through words because I could see how empty all of it as. 'Awkward Acquaintances' is a better title bestowed upon us.

We are two very different people. Both of us had different viewfinders and objectives all at once. I can see that our paths are on different lengths and only for a short time were our roads converged. Roads were made to be rebuilt and polished. I truly wish the best for your success and achievements you have yet to make but will. I've always been a big supporter of your work, lifestyle and ambitions but this will be the last time I wish you all the best. Silly as it was, I remember clasping my hands together, gazing at stars even on desolate nights; praying that you get everything you want and ask for. Asking and begging to sacrifice anything to make you happy. I remember feeling tired and weak as I let my energy drain out so I could give it upon you. Though you never asked me to, I did so with good intentions and out of the caring love I had for you. Me wishing you the best now has nothing to do with my energy currently but the vitality I have for you is nearing its end. You are a marathon I've attempted but I know myself best; I was never a runner. Though I may not fancy running, I do like to bask under glowing rays and walk. Walking is to move forward and this time I feel as if I have no shadow left behind in my traces.

These days, I've come to know my self-worth. Though I am lacking in accomplishments, I am fulfilled with kindness. Kindness doesn't get anyone far but it's the grace I possess that I hold with great affiliation. Therefore, I am with wide eyes now seeing an iridescent glow for who I am. I was told the other night that I was a "Golden Ticket" and at first it made me think of chocolate. There upon laying on layered warmth, comfort, euphoria and sugar is a stamp. A seal of approval that surely, I am a treasure; in which I am. Confidence to me has finally rushed through once again like a dam that has been broken. However, being referred as a "Golden Ticket" I'm sure that isn't what it was truly meant. Compared to others, I have lived. I've seen, eaten and worn things that only most people could dream of. The bustling lifestyle that I always though I never wished to continue runs through me like the blue blood in my veins. I deserve better in life than to mope at a loss that was never big. I may speak arrogantly and narcissistically but there are some things money in life cannot buy. What I want in life has never been about luxury or the finer things but something so simple that I believe even homo sapiens discovered long ago; Love. This 'Love' it doesn't do anyone good. It doesn't feed you, nor shelter you or provide for you but it's something essential that grey dolls need. I am finding love within myself again, it's what I can give to myself after feeling obsolete of being entuned for so long. You should be alright, I know you'll find happiness through every step of the way that you take. It was nice to experience a relationship with you for a brief moment as I hope you can say the same about me. I think the biggest take away from what I'm saying is that I can only hope you can eventually find someone great who can share your highs and lows. You're focused on your career now but there will come a day when you'll be out looking for someone. "Give a little more" is all I can advise. You're fixated thinking you're a king and with your success, they will line up in your court. Doesn't help that it was also I who inflated the idea to raise you higher upon the pyramid while I remained at the Nile. There is no shame to humility and there is no shame to give. Though you may look at me with a pathetic view, I have no regrets. I did what I could and gave what I wore, that is the best thing to keep over your chest. I know that you're a good and kind-hearted person to the people you are close to. However, I was blind to see that it was only half of who you are. In retrospect, I never got to see you like glass but I can only pray from here on out that you give diamonds with a beautiful cut that reflects all the light and shine you have to offer.

I want you to know that you did me happy before. While I was quite delusional to all the warnings I've felt, I love that I gave you my honest faith. I've said it before and a reminder again but I cannot see you in a good light no longer. I'm sure there are lots of reasons why you discarded me more than just the sake of your ambition. It is in your loss to have lost me. You may not think so, or perhaps I've read it all wrong and have always been a burden at your side... Be that as it may, I had my moments where I shined far brighter than a star in the sky. There were times I can easily be compared to like the North Star and while I compared you to the Sun, I was able to be present though I inhabit the night. It's time to move on in both our lives. This is the last you'll hear of me or even have to think of my presence. There are demons that need to be exorcised and will be banished in flame. I ask that you delete, remove and burn any sentimental offerings I've given you. You may keep the bracelet I bought you for your birthday, may it remind you that generosity comes connected like its circular shape and braided as interwoven factors atop each other. Though to the 777 lucky stars that I folded for you, every letter or note I wrote, the one-year anniversary scrapbook to my explicit pictures... Please incinerate them and let me go in peace knowing there are no strings attached anymore. I've long ridden of your pictures on my end. I've stashed away the photos we've taken along with the memories. I've always figured you weren't the sentimental type because you once told me you never collected anything. I hope my judgement call is right and you've already discarded everything. By the time you receive this, I want you to know that I do not want a response from you. Nor a complaint or reasoning from your words. They will do me no good as they won't for you. I've written everything to how I've seen fit, felt and known. I don't know your side of the story and I never will. All I ask is that you take my thoughts in an open mind and consideration. This is and would be my final request from you.

Take good care of yourself. Eat healthy and well. Rest when you can and enjoy time with the people who are important to you. Work hard and consistent remembering to always give it your all. These are the final things I can tell you now. They're no different from how I've always told you but if there is anything to remember me by, it would be my consideration I've always held for you.

Our connection ends here. I bid you farewell and all the best in your future endeavours. May you find the happiness that you seek in life.