To My First Love

~With or Without You~

I think for once, I wrote something that didn't settle well with me. In the last chapter I wrote about our separation... I don't think it was equitable of me to speak so earnestly. I believe I'm only pressuring you in such a way that I'd hate to pose upon you. For fear you might hate me and resent me for being so unmoving. That's not fair to you. Upon detachment, I had finally taken a moment by myself. Alone under the night sky as speckles of stars glistened... I remember the feeling all too well but it isn't exactly like before. There's that feeling of hopelessness and lost, sadness evidently creeping to the definition of loneliness. To sit alone and take it all in again but comforted that I wasn't alone. Truthfully, there were either two raccoons or cats a meter away before I ditched star-gazing. However, that isn't what I meant... Like the feeling that there's a hope in me to wish for better. As an advocate of love, this is what I do best. I pride myself upon the romance I take from stories to music, they're a part of me I look up to; much like the North Star above me. It's only natural that I'm inspirited by possibilities. We aren't together anymore but I realize that I can't expect or hope we can be again. Part of me really regrets letting you go so easily. Though when I heard your tone of voice that day... You already sounded like you had given up. It made me come to my own conclusion that you were just showing face for my sake; never did I know that it took a toll on you. I pray you can forgive me.

In my heart, I want to believe that we'll find our way back. It's what my heart wants to hold to. I can't say I know what you'd feel down the line of the future. As of right now, I'm scared to discover you as a friend but if I don't then maybe you won't ever be in my life. I can hope but I can't expect that we'll reach each other how we used to be. However, I know that by pressing you and thinking negatively about who you are meant to be with isn't the right way. I told you that I believe I will only love once and never again. In my heart— No, my soul tells me to stick by this. I don't believe it's fair to someone else I come across when my mind will always be about you. I would compare and expect when you've set the standards high in how I'd imagine. You showed me love realistically. Though in the future it might not be me, I will pray the next person does a better job at showing you love. Attending and supporting you through everything you do. I hope they treat you right and make you feel special. Remember I told you before, you're a king and you deserve everything you want. I know your hardships and your dreams, a good man like you should get everything you desire.

With or without me in your life is something I'll have to learn to accept. I may be waiting on you forever but you shouldn't for me. It's also something I couldn't ask that of you. I also know you're the kind of person who will always move forward and never look back. My chances are slim and that's what had me cold the other night, it's a gamble I'm taking. No matter who you're with, I will support you because I always have. It's just in my good heart to wish you the best. You gave me love when I never had it. It pains me that you took it away but perhaps it was never my love to have. I was allowed to borrow it until the right person you'd find could feel everything about you that's wonderous. They'll be a real winner to have you. For right now, my heart won't let me to move on, I'm complacent. Even if you were with someone else, I'd still always love you.

This is a small step to letting you go.