To My First Love

~For Right Now~

It's one moment with you that stills my heart. When our words have fallen short for weeks and the desert continues bare. Then all of a sudden, it's like rain in a drought. Air to lungs and that image of water stilling after being rippled is finally clear.

As I've worried time and time again, I finally feel the recognition in my loyalty. Where all my worries about feeling like I don't belong in your world have dissipated. How a "Thank you for..." can go miles. Where all my commending points are being called out. In how I felt my patience and understanding were wearing thin is now reformed stronger. Rebuilt with reminders that make my anxious heart rest, I finally feel satisfied.

Though our time may still be limited, I am renewed to feeling like I can wait. In the meantime, I feel a strong sense of urge to improve myself before I meet you. To look and feel more attractive, a sense of direction career wise and a bigger maturity. One thing is for sure, I have never felt more confident in myself than I have in the time apart. I'm not afraid to say things as it is. I know my worth and how wonderful I am. I am finding small moments of happiness and while I think they're charming; very in the moment and all... It's nothing compared to the wide happiness I feel with you.

Content and lasting, reassuring and comforting. That's all what I find within you. I miss the time we share but I think we've gotten stronger in our absence. As the famous line goes "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" I don't think it's the same in our case but I do feel and extreme case of longing. Perhaps for you, a deeper understanding of what you have. In distance, I grew in fear and I made these rash thoughts. Two days without talking, I thought you'd taken eyes for others. In a week, I thought you fell out with me. Two weeks to three, I just believed I was holding on to someone who never loved me the same way I felt. Internal struggles with myself saying I should let go and stay fought in my head. I let my mind wander again... Back to the space where I, the astronaut, feel as if I have been swimming for what feels like forever; trying to find my way back to the station. Searching to make my way to home bound.

I'm still finding it hard. It isn't until recently I'm living off one to a few texts from you a day. A little attention makes my heart ache and when taken away, it creates this massive black hole. For now, I'm just happy to know I'm somewhere still. I may not ever get to have you to myself yet. We're maybe far ways from that. You're my right person but it's not the right time yet. So I wait. I'll wait until we can finally say 'I love you' to each other again. Lately, we both haven't said it... Though my mind wants to pick at the scab, I somehow forget there was a scar in the first place. I let it be, time will heal wounds they say and so I'll let it rest. When it's recovered and ready, I will treasure and adorn skin as it deserves to be treated. I'm waiting for you to tell me first. Then again, I'll most likely cave and tell you... I'm not one to shy from my passionate expressions for you.

For now, I shall settle for those "Gooo Mornings" we greet each other with. For now, I'm holding back until I have another moment with you again. In this moment, I trust you. I believe in you as I always have since the beginning. So I shall remind patience to wait and remain calm.

For right now, I think we're doing okay in Love.