To My First Love

~Break Up~

Today on July 24, 2022... We ended our relationship. I think the first thing that comes to thought is how I wish I didn't tell you I was feeling sad today. It maybe wouldn't have escalated to an extent of severing ties. However, we got to talk briefly and I think both of us were just prolonging. I'm a little afraid right now. It's only been maybe 3 hours after and the wound is still soft. I don't want to speak irrationally.

Hollow is mainly what I'm feeling. I feel like I've lost a whole lot in a short span of our discussion. I cried hysterically and I laid upon my bed as I watched my eyes create these purple and lime-green clots on my white ceiling. I think I get why people seem to really like lava lamps, they're quite mesmerizing. Because in that moment, my brain was empty; nothing but numbness. I thought about so much afterwards in a short span of time. I thought about how we could be friends. What were the boundaries and what would be too far? I'm sure later I'll discuss it with you. Truly in my heart, I don't think I can part with you. If 'friends' will be our status, I'd want to maintain that. As I thought this, I wondered would we ever get a chance again. Would there be a possibility in the future we got back together? As you were explaining your reasons for parting, you said we didn't know each other well. We rushed into a relationship and we were better as friends. I partly agree with you. Yes, I think we did rush into a relationship but it's not something I look back and regret. I believe I knew you, perhaps you didn't know me. I was always so worried that if I ever talked, you'd feel over-shadowed and not heard. Never did I want that to happen so I clammed up. When I think back to our beginning... We surely met in a strange way. Something I deemed as sweet and romantic, special and unique... I thought this must be Fate. As I got to chat with you, I really did fall for the way you talked. I may always jest that your grammar is what caught my attention first. No matter, I was weak at the clearness in your voice the day I heard it. I wonder... Did we just not build a stronger foundation that I thought?

I fear I may never get to tell you some things or the timing might never pop up. I'd like to say that I will and truly hold a spot for you in my heart. You are the man I love and who I believe would be the only one for me. I still love you. You are a real person, you're inspirational as you are passionate. I know love and ambition don't correlate, my theory was proven wrong finally. I am blessed to have known you in a romantic way once. You made me experience a taste of intimacy. You were there when I needed someone to talk to. You appreciated my love... I think that's all I could ask for.

I can't say I'm 100% calm right now, I didn't want to agree to being friends but from your pleas... I think you knew that I would give up for you— or at least my delusional mind would like to think so. Knowing that I would never let you feel hurt or in misery. Even if you think we really didn't know each other, you would know my kindness. Mentally, I've broken up with you about 5 times prior to today. However, they didn't remain because my faith in you would restore them as if glass was never shattered. It's quite scary to see the depth of my affection; how my resilience and hope in you never wavered far. I have so many questions for you... I want to hear them eventually. Questions like... 'What did you see in me?' Or 'Did you believe we could make it?' However, I think those will only spark up hope in my heart to early. I suppose that also doesn't remain fair to you. I keep thinking "right person, wrong time" and how we met fatefully, that was enough to spark something. Reality runs fast enough to sprint passed our interlocked hands. What can I say? Because it's you, I'm hopeful.

You were my first love. Someone who actually noticed me and made me feel special at one point. I know distance between us became our problem and was beginning to be the root to all my doubts. I suppose as of right now, I'm seeing a lot of clarity. I'm sorry I made you suffer by being with me in a way you couldn't reciprocate back. Thank you for being my first of many things. In me hopes we'll be together again. It's the last thing on your mind as of now but you were the one person I could relate to the most. I don't think I could experience that with anyone else. I still believe when I said my one and only.

In our separation, I will still continue to support you. Encourage your best and pray for everything you desire. May you always be healthy, happy and successful. You should always know that you are loved. I will always love you.