To My First Love

~Plucked Feathers~

It's odd... It was a few days ago, I didn't know what to say. You always compliment me by saying I have a way with words; how I always leave you speechless. This time... I think you've reversed and made me mute. I'm finding myself extremely torn. When the most important thing I need to hear is "I love you" and you're not around to tell me truthfully. I believe that if I heard it, my heart would still. My mind would clear the clouds and my eyes would stop raining.

The other night, I cried. I couldn't pin point why, I just did. When I returned back home, I still couldn't figure it out. I felt so numb that night. All I could see was this black hole and the more I closed my eyes—the more I thought; it keeps growing bigger. I couldn't stop it. The only thing I could feel was my heart being ripped out of my chest, I couldn't breath and when my hands tried to feel for my heart, it's as if it was never there. I thought only of the dark. Thoughts of you never knowing how much I'm suffering or how much I'm giving. Everyone pities me now... I fought internally that night trying to find my resolve. As I lived through the following morning towards the night, I still hadn't decided.

What I do know is that I need to take a step back. I need to stop giving my heart bullet holes. All the pools of plasma have leaked. They don't recover as fast as I had thought, I'm going to faint from all the loss. I keep thinking how I wish we could be better. I repeated in my head that you don't deserve me. All these doubts have blighted my soul. Thickets and thorns need to be exorcised before I can bloom freely. I can imagine it... I'd be like Sleeping Beauty who would lie dormant until her prince came to slay the dark dragon and awake her from the evil; the curse that prevents her from true happiness. I suppose for now our love is like summer roses. Hidden beauty behind vines of prickles. Untouchable for now but to be taken in sight; out of reach.

I can feel it. The marathon I've just ran and my heart is tired. Beating worn and aching constantly. I'm worried if this continues, I'll be admitted into special attention. Resuscitation and jump starts may be the only way. You've already murdered me two times, third times a charm they say. All I can feel is the red string feels pulled and ripped. I'm finding that my purpose isn't what it felt like 2 months ago. My belonging— My home... When was I evicted? Why wasn't I given notice? Those darn brick walls sure leave me soundproofed. I could knock and bang on them all I want but even the big bad wolf couldn't wind down the house. No matter, I could wait... As always.

I wonder... Do you like the birdcage or the bird?