To My First Love

~Love is Dangerous~

Love is dangerous. To begin to describe dangerous... Well, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

March 9th 2022

When I say "I miss you"... I miss you. So much so that my heart aches as if it's been stabbed by a serial killer. It aches with tiredness like after running around the track.

March 13th 2022

The love I have to give is much like a dog in the rain. I think of Hachiko. I think of limp hands... and then I think about the precipitation. It's like watching paint dry til soon it becomes like talking to drywalls. As I pound on those walls, I realize how hollow they are. How my beckons are empty and I just wait. I lie on my bed. I sprawl on the couch. I wait at the door to open and welcome me back. It's not until those doors open do I forget about the dreary thoughts. As if I hadn't just crawled the Sahara Desert on my knees. As if nothing ever happened. It's then do I feel comfort and safe. Aches now soothed and my toxins remedied, I feel revived.

Sometimes I think you're a diamond in the sky. Not a star; a real diamond. You're something impossible and out of reach.

April 3rd 2022

There's a certain time frame do I start to cry. It's after we hang up do my eyes well up. How I regret never telling you what I could've and never can anymore because it has passed. It's feelings like these that make me feel alone.

I think a lot of the times, I feel like I never really know what I have. However, I know very well that the limited time we have is all I ever get for the day. I never want to talk, in fear that I overcome my support for you. To allow you your rest and freedom, I hold back. There are times I brighten my thoughts but when you cut me short, I'm back to the square root and it equals pain. Sometimes... I feel as if I'm never going to be good enough to satisfy you. Long ago, you told me... If I was to ever walk away, you wouldn't care. I live with that thought every day. Scared that I may never mean anything to you. Scared that you will leave if I don't speak.

April 7th 2022

You know... I never wanted to be the type of girlfriend to get on my lover's case. I've always upheld respect, understanding and genuine care. I am honest and attentive yet why does it feel like clouds are looming above my head? Where did the ocean waves come from to knock a fisherman off his boat all of a sudden?

It's being last place. It's being a dog. It's being hopeless in love and it hits a wall. The love that I have to give is shared. You've told me that I would have to share you. With work and everything, I fit ever so slightly. Perhaps we met at the right time but now it's grown so far off scale. But how is this a relationship when you find comfort in other females? You drive my insecurities off the roof. I know you'll be the one to ruin me.

I watch so many people swear and devote themselves to their person. I thought we had that but I suppose it couldn't be any more different. You make promises you can't keep. I am your convenience. Easy and a game. I hate that my mind runs like this but you never give me any ease. You cover your tracks. Our faults on me. You're a monster in disguise.