To My First Love

~7 Days of Agony~

We've gone a week without talking together on call. Never have we gone this long. In those days, I've felt nothing but emptiness. When I wanted to talk to you, you were unavailable. When I needed you, you didn't come through. Just these feelings make me sad but it's me hearing your voice that reminds me to push them away. To know the strain and tiredness behind it sparks my memory back. You're working hard, from morning to night. Constantly improving yourself and achieving your ambitions. It's entirely wrong of me to get in your way. However, I just want to know where I fit...

Our relationship is hard. Compared to everyone around us, we don't have it easy. Work, schedules, distance and miscellaneous things seem to get in our way. I miss the times in our beginning where we had fun. It's almost hard to remember since it's been so long.

I remember the first day so clear, you made my heart jump out of my chest. Then I remember the days we spent watching movies to playing games together. Challenges and all these fun things we set for ourselves... These days, I'm wondering how far would it be until I see those days.

I've been saying to myself: October. Now? I'm reconsidering it. I'm wondering if I'll only become a nuisance to you if I arrive. Would I be the one holding you back? Would you resent me for it? I've come to realize why I may not have my life in order, it's because I can't define if you fit or not. There are days when I think we're connecting pieces and some days I don't. I let my mind wander too far into the depths of the ocean that I've begun slowly suffocating under water. My oxygen tank only feels depleted.

I want to believe that physicality is our problem. I can express my love to you in so many ways and I know it may not be the same for you. Every day I seem to find points to the left and right. I'm trying not to let them get to me, I can determine for myself what's true and not. My longing for you is scary. You're my first love and it may not mean anything but I've never loved someone so much as I feel like I'm dying for it. My chest literally feels heavy and it clenches tight. Air trapped in my lungs and bubbles form around my eyes. And I can express my worries and doubts all I can but that's not what you want to hear. You've never cared for it. In what I want to tell you is that I hope you can truly see my true feelings for you. I feel like we could be fading and I want to remind you that I'm beside you. I support everything that you do and I care so much about your well-being. Something like this is genuine and pure, remember? The care and kindness that I have to offer? Don't forget those. I hope you won't let those slip past your eyes. I love you and I hope you can feel that within me still. I hope I'm someone important.

I called you today. Finally, I got to hear your voice. I miss it so much. All I've been hearing in my head are three words. Not "I love you" but "I miss you." It was so good to hear you, I could feel my shoulders drop and my heart tremble. My ears perked in disbelief and eyes starry wide. I got to hear you fill me in upon your hectic week. Your goals are set and I see big changes you're planning. I know you'll achieve them. We got to spend a little time together, just to hear you relaxed a little. To hear you laugh for a tiny second was plenty and all I really needed in the week of your absence. After call, I feel the loneliness and emptiness creep in. I'm lying in place over-analyzing everything you've said. From the hesitation of my help or to your special three words: "I appreciate you." I can't help but feel conflicted if you needed me anymore or if you enjoy my efforts for you.

My love, you'll always be busy. I can only hope. You take good care of yourself. That you never forget to hydrate and eat. Being sure to take care of your body in rest and fitness. I can only pray and hope you heed my words. I want what's best for you. You're a hard-working man who deserves nothing but the best. I will wait and support you as you go. I only hope that I remain in your heart. If you ever need a place of comfort and rest, allow me to offer my arms and shoulders. Find respite within me and I will always feel overjoyed. No matter how thick my clouds loom over my head, I will still be standing here; waiting for you.