To My First Love

~Are We Okay?~

I sigh about 35 times every hour and every day. I'm beginning to wonder if this is normal or just signs of depression relapsing. You told me not to have bad thoughts, I'm afraid it's just not that simple. For everything that is dear to me, I seem to always find faults or reasons not to feel safe. I guess that's just my brain saying "better to be prepared for the worst."

I miss you. You're just never around and I fear you'll really never be. I suppose it's fine, I truly know where I lie. I used to think of everything you did was like a list. I called it '100 Things' and I believed I fell somewhere around 70th but truthfully I said 80th place. Then I began to see it as a wrong way to look at things. That's a real messed up perspective and not fair. I leave you these messages you never see; that you never respond to. My mind tells me that it's because you don't know how to respond. I've seen you shut down from me because you can't articulate anything towards me. There's the bitter side of me that wants to be mad and say you don't care. The understanding part of me says you're busy or it's because I've never went into depth of my interests. Neither thought brings me any comfort.

Nobody likes you. Everyone always asks about us. I used to lie and tell everyone that we were great and this ideal couple surviving and testing one of Love's biggest trials. So I tell them the truth and it's like my world feels so bleak. They tell me you aren't right for me. They know how miserable I am every night. They all say. I should be cold to you. I should give up and move on. All these negative bubbles keep swirling around me that I'm getting tired popping them one by one. I just can't give up though... I want to love you with everything I have or nothing at all. You're my one and only and I meant it.

Do you remember when we got together? Back then, nobody supported us. Nobody believed in us and I felt so scared. Something in me told me to put my trust in you and you told me that everyone else didn't matter. It was just us two. Now... It feels like that all over again but I'm fighting alone. You aren't there with me... I need you on my side.

There's just this big gaping hole in my chest. The more I look at it, I only just see how hollow and empty it is. I'm waiting until you fill that hole and restore it to how it was. I keep replaying this line from one of my favourite movies. "The kind of love you fight for—" is constantly ringing and echoing in my brain. "The kind of boy you fight for." You're the one I keep fighting for... But you've never fought for me. That's the kind of thing that breaks my heart. I've made it so easy for you... I've laid out the pavement and planted the gardens already. Yet what's haunting me is that I'm beginning to fear we may never enjoy it; even so share it. You need to tell me to stop. Firmly hold my hands and tell me that we're okay.

Are we okay?