To My First Love

~Bird Set Free~

You know... As the days go by, I'm starting to realize that you'll never come back for me. I'd be waiting forever and you wouldn't care. It's the same haunting line I think you'll always say... "I never asked you to." Is what I fear. Truly, I think our relationship was conventional. You had some companionship through your tough times. Someone to help you wind down for the evening and to support you through the day. Perhaps it's not how it is, the negative film in my mind has yet to be developed. I'm waiting on clarity that I'm too afraid to reach; so I'll never receive. Timid like a rabbit and curious like a cat, two species I cannot inhabit at once yet were both meant to die at the hands of the wild. All of this drives my head wild, day and night. My indecisiveness and hope feel wavering by the minute. Like a time-ticking bomb or like the movie In Time... My clock has deceased.

We've talked once every week or two weeks since our breakup. We've made it over a month now and from the sounds of it... You're happy and doing well. I don't know why I ask but probably the masochistic side of me desires to feel pain. I knew more than anyone that when I was miserable and waiting for your call, you were out living your best life. You never knew this but I called it the 'Sun and Shadow' effect. The Sun would always get to live its' best life, it has to and it deserves to. A Shadow's job is to stay upon the ground, stationary and supportive. It holds all the negativity so the 'Bright' may never have to. The good heart in me is truly glad that you're happy. I'm happy for you and that is the honest truth. I know that all the other wonderous things approaching your way will overshadow any happiness that I've given to you. From that point alone, I've realized that I will never be the one; I never have been. Although, the bitter part in my heart hopes you won't find anyone better than me, I hope you do. I hope they can put up with all your bullshit in your definition of 'time' but how can you? I was kind, virtuous and generous. Giving is such a humorous word now... I've been forgiving and instead of giving it was always willing. However, I don't say it to sound harsh but it's because I know my self-worth.

You're happy now. Working hard every day and continuing your healthy life style. You have a cat now. Looks like you'll have other pussy to rub now. No, but it's the fact that I was never important. Don't even try to argue that, I'd rather you think I was your ball and chain. A part of me wishes you'd just hate me for making you feel constrained. Tell me I'm fucked in the head or I was too needy. At least hating me while I could never, that is something I've always been familiar with—I could handle it. Curse my name so I won't ever forget all the terrible things I've made you feel, let those demons haunt me in my sleep. Play the victim so I look like a murderer while you cover your tracks. I know better than anyone that words hurt the most. So take your aim and fire. If you won't shoot then... Go on. Enjoy the time with your friends now, treat them out to dinner. Your online friends who made me insecure? Share more with them and treat them just as important as your real ones. Treasure your parents well because I know how filial you are to them. I just happened to be a puzzle piece misplaced in the wrong set; I'd never fit.

This is a huge part of my thoughts that I have to release. This is the widest gap I've leaped into letting you go. Lastly, this is for my own soul to rest and forget. Who am I kidding? I don't think I could forget you. I may not ever mean much to you in your life future wise but presently you've made carvings upon the wisteria tree. However, there is a beauty to this... While you've sawed the tree down, its' flowers fell. Wisteria flowers that have bloomed in devotion but have fallen to death. Hanahaki is what I think a lot these days, I'm waiting for flower to bloom in my throat however my heart knows flowers aren't the meaning to my love. Though I'm element to Earth, I was meant to soar like the bird I've always been. My nature tells me to unlock my cage, be one with the ground and sky. Only then will harmony be restored. I know I flew too close to the Sun. I should've learnt my lesson from Icarus but I can understand why. The magnanimous light will always be tempting to thy heart. However, it's never ours to keep.

So the swallow bird flies.