To My First Love

~Pathetic~

Pathetic. I keep hearing that word echoing within my mind. How pathetic it was that I cried for you that day you ended us. How humiliating it was for me to hear your voice so empty and disregarded of love. How disgraced I feel now when I recollect how I begged you not to break up. But that's what I did for love. I would do anything and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Maybe that was just me being a hopeless romantic or being too naïve. Maybe a little too expectant and trusting.

A certain angry bitterness has blighted over my heart. I'm over you because I have to be. I tell everyone that I'm well and I'm happy but that couldn't be far from the truth. I tell myself that I am better off without you and my heart believes that. However, it's when I feel like I seer to the future... It shreds my hope into pieces. I've been reteaching and relearning what it's like to be alone. To remember that this has always been my predestined life. How thoughtful the power of the universe was to gift me with a taste of chocolate. Raw cocoa that should have been sweet but I was too hasty and craved; I just bit the fruit instead. Hmm, maybe much like how Eve was so tempted in Eden and yet we share the same fate; casted and rejected.

Insomnia seems to be my best friend these days. Death likes to haunt me again, sickness befalls my brain. It jolts my veins and sparks panic within my heart the moment darkness covers my eyes. I forgot... You were the cure but nowadays that has changed. You've become like a disease of your own. Like molded fruit and curdled milk. Much like cancer and rabies running feral within my blood system. How I once thought you were like glowing sunflowers have now turned into passionate roses. Yes, roses with thorns that I clenched with my bare fists and I bled anguish. You're ingrained in my head but I can only see you in a negative light. Some may say this is all part of the stages of grief but I think I'm regaining the conscience I had gave up. I suppose it's true that one's IQ lowers when in love but at least the EQ balances it out. Now that you're no longer in my life, I want my brain back. No matter how dark and demonic it may be, it was the very thing that made me attractive. I miss my wit and self-appreciation. How evil my mind runs lately but it's all I have to salvage my soul. The very soul that you ripped and discarded.

Pathetic. You are pathetic. I'm tired of telling people you were the victim and making excuses for you. How dare you tell me that it wasn't me but that it was you who caused our relationship to fall. However, you didn't deserve to proceed and call out how wrong it was to complain about the lack of your affection. I waited months for you and you shamed me for that, that was childish. I can't deny that I know your nature is quite infantile. I suppose that's why we got along in the first place, we were needy children. Needy children with different wants of course. I hate how I can imagine the smirk you held the moment we ended our final call. I could hear it in your voice that you were done with me. Like childhood toys stored away or given away to charity. I hate how we talked intimately two days prior to our break up and when asked if you even so much as liked me, you curved your answer. What was your goal? To shift me into some prostitute on standby? Nevertheless, you're pathetic for running from a relationship. Sure, we never had any time together as we proceeded into our second year but that's because you never wanted to make any. You abused my kindness and my passiveness because you knew how considerate I am. Yet, you've never failed to spend your weekends with your friends and family. Never was I rewarded for my efforts and affection. You made me a dog— A bitch and had the audacity to go on your roundabout way of saying this was on me. Right... You were never in the wrong, you always know best and any mistakes you made are insured by your authoritative judgement. I know I probably wasn't always perfect in our relationship but I played the part more than you ever did. I can clearly see all the red flags you've worn around like a uniform. Ignoring the waving banners, I'm left to deal with the consequences... A broken heart and a bitter melon mind.

I was pathetic for being too lenient and trusting.

You will always be pathetic in my eyes for being cowardice.