To My First Love

~Overthinking~

In these past few months, we've hardly gotten time together. I've complained and doubted. Worries and all those dark thoughts I've told you before had resurfaced. I think about the six feet under again sometimes. I worry you're unwell or you've gotten tired of me. I'm simply just an overthinker.

While you're off working, I too am doing my own things but you seem to hold a lot of weight in my everyday tasks. For everything I want to tell you, I leave you a message. For every message, it goes unbothered and ignored. It almost feels as if the foundation we've built is crumbling. It's truly astounding to me that I feel lifeless, calm and okay without your attention. I worry this is just me getting used to such a feeling. There's a huge part of me that is putting a lot of trust in you. I know I can never rely on you but now I can trust that those others you talk to don't mean a damn thing. Trust that you're working hard for your goals. For once in our relationship, I can finally tell you that I'm okay and I believe in you. Now when we do talk, it's for simple casualties or unless I'm showing myself nude for your attention. I slightly feel worthless.

It continues to probe my mind. "If you leave me, I wouldn't care." It's those words again you've done so well to punch that in my brain. I only have good intentions for you and I truly get you don't have time for me but it only takes a second to message someone in the day. I tell that to all my family and friends... But it seems like nobody can do so. I've concluded that it just means I don't cross your mind all that much. I told you once vaguely about how I felt growing up. I'm back to being the swallow bird once more. I suppose it really is ingrained into my nature. However, you must know that I don't hate it... Part of me finds a slight beauty to it and a terror behind it.

I've always been patient and understanding but you seem to be wearing my threads thin. The crocheted blanket that we made together... Those patches of memories seem to be filled with holes. I'm trying to preserve it but your spots need to be filled. To simply put, talk to me. I haven't heard from you properly, I constantly respect giving you what you want and need when you never give me what I need. You really have it easy not to have to deal with me. I put you first. You're the first person I tell good and bad news to before my mother. You're the person I think of when I wake up and at nights you inhabit my thoughts until my eyes close and fade to black. I truly am in agony.

Loneliness is such a piercing dagger... You're not the type of guy that I imagined you'd be. Nevertheless, it's you that I want. I will wait and wait because this relationship is my hands. Those were your words 2 months into our relationship. I told you once before but you've never seen, I will hold on to this tightrope.