Despite the fact that we broke up, I keep replaying that you let me go. Never in our relationship had I thought you would be the one to let me go. Perhaps I took your words for too literal when you said I would decide our lasting. Now my brain wonders other things I've taken for literal and it's scary how dark the turmoil can be. I don't believe any of it though. I don't believe the tone of your voice when you explained your reasonings and I don't believe that you want to let me go. Now, I believe people may quote me on 'The Stages of Grief' that I am in denial. I could be but as it is the 2nd day without you, I haven't cried this morning. I'm trying to heal fast but my heart is telling me two things.
1. I need to set you free.
2. It's not over.
Denial, denial is what the alarms ring but what can I do? It's not as simple as ringing a credit card through in hopes it's accepted. It's not as easy as showing ID to a bouncer, praying to be let in. I can hear music trying to sway my brain to feel things other than despair. I don't want to listen. I can only hear the aches and creaks from my soul. Tell me, how can I find someone as great as you? I just can't. You are in every way the person I want to be with. I knew it the moment I heard your voice. It struck chords within me that I hadn't known existed. Something like power, confidence and warmth that resonates and fits like puzzles. Isn't that what Destiny feels like? It's not just the first time when I heard you did I feel it. I heard it and felt it as our relationship progressed. I think I can see why Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid was so enraptured by Ariel; I too am the same way. While we may be over, I don't think it's our end story. I know you're the one. You're the one who empathizes with me. We help each other out to the best of our ability. We support each other in everything that we do, there's never been a 'No.' We share many likes and share dislikes. You may be the only one to tolerate some of my intimate fantasies because you have them as well. We balance each other out, believe it or not. We've always been mirrors. While the sheet of clear transparent is eluding us passage, we're still able to stand and clearly see that it's like looking at your other half. That's always been enough.
For now, we're friends. You're not far but not as near as before. Now isn't the time for relationships and perhaps both of us need this time. So as far as I know, I'm not sad currently because we're over. I know we'll find our way back again. I may be waiting for you forever but I can't feel 'Love' with anyone but you. So I will re-discover you as a friend. Continue to be there for you until you're ready. I know by then... You'll be where you want to be and I will as well. Remember what you told me? "Everything happens for a reason." You told me this and I've known this for a while. I haven't been focused on what I should be producing. The Sun shines on me in the heat of summer, it tells me not to look down but to look ahead. I believe that's the courage I need to take as well as the assurance we'll be okay. Now... As a friend, I'd like to make a complaint. Do you realize how much you've just gone done to put me through? I have wallpapers on my electronic devices I need to change, décor around my room to adjust and not to mention our love whale! What do you expect me to tell her? All jokes aside, they're things I'll hold onto because I'll always treasure them. I pray that you keep the things I've given you. What scares me is that I could be waiting forever and you may not feel the same as I do. Years down the line and you're with another woman while I remained solemn. I'm putting trust in faith. I don't think you'll find someone as great as me, I'm confident to say that. Anyone else, you'd be settling... Is what my bitter mind would like to believe. Any girl would be lucky to have you. You loved me once but reality had to take you away. Though your head was turned another direction, I'm trusting from our fateful day we'll encounter something more lasting— Destiny. I too find it a funny word. It's like a path you're meant to lead or find but it sounds as if it is a location as well in the term of destination. I've always seen the green valley grass, the fields of flowers that are of sunflowers and white lilies to the clear crystal waters just further ahead. We'll see that sight one day in our future.
It'll be my ultimate test of patience and growth but as cliché and used as this line may be...
"You're worth it."
YOU ARE READING
To My First Love
RomantikA compilation of my short blurbs, poetry and expressive writes. Love is a great feeling that I've come to know. All thanks to my love and muse.
