Questionable Choices [Yan!DSMP x Reader]

Chapter 32: The Problem

"So, now that we've talked more about this, I want to return to the topic of your relationship with Sally, if that's okay with you."

You let out an annoyed sigh and cross your arms. As much as you believe therapy is helping – and actually enjoy going here to talk about your problems with a professional – you have to say that you're not that much in the mood to talk about Sally. However, at the same time, you feel like a huge burden would disappear off your shoulders if you did. "What else is there to say? I loved her and I still do." You don't tell Ponk about the dreams with her that you have now.

"Although that's true, it's obvious as well that your relationship with her has affected a big part of your life, which makes it worth mentioning." When you remain silent, he continues. "What did she make you feel, Y/N? What would you say her presence changed?"

For a short moment, you think deeply. There's a lot to say, yet not enough words to describe it. "In love," you shrug. "I don't know, what am I supposed to say?"

"Please, Y/N, calm down. It's okay to not know the answer."

"Is it though?" When Ponk nods, you cross your arms and look away from him. "I mean, I guess she made me feel valued. Or worth something, you know? Whenever I was with her, I felt like no matter what I'd do, I'd be loved. I felt free with her."

"Free? Free from what?"

"Myself, I guess. Or maybe regrets that I haven't been able to let go? I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't."

"And that's totally fine, Y/N. You don't always have to know everything, even if you think you do."

"But this is about me! This is about how it makes me feel! Shouldn't I know how Sally makes me feel? Shouldn't I be able to say that she made me feel attractive without second-guessing my words!?"

"I think that you know what she made you feel, but you can't come to terms with the fact that that's the truth." When you look at him questioningly, he continues. "Sally made you feel good about yourself and from what I think I might've picked up, you don't want to know that she did. You don't believe you're allowed to feel good about yourself. Whether this is something that is caused by mental illness or a traumatic event, such as the suicide which you are in no way responsible for, it's something that has a huge effect on you and your relationships. Sally loved you and you feel like you don't deserve that love. You feel like Sally was a blessing, one which you should not have accepted. You hate yourself, which is why you don't want to know that Sally made you feel loved." You fall silent. How are you supposed to say anything when Ponk has already said it all, after all?

He's right. You hate yourself and not just a little either. And Sally made you feel like you were deserving of love, something which you don't want to accept.

"You hold yourself accountable for things that are not your fault. You expect too much from yourself, Y/N. Sally didn't. She expected very little from you, other than your love."

"What does that mean? Does that mean that we never really loved each other?" you ask, slowly panicking as you come to think of your relationship as being built upon a lie, but Ponk shakes his head.

"Not at all. I think that your relationship actually helped you love yourself more. Just because a relationship might be helping you mentally, doesn't mean at all that it's not true love. I believe that if you truly love each other, this gives you more space to grow as a person. And for you, this person who helped you was Sally." You remain silent.

"I think I need some time to process this," you chuckle awkwardly, rubbing your arm. Ponk nods.

"I understand. Shall we end the session here?" You nod and he smiles faintly at you. "Then I'll see you next Sunday." You nod and stand up, leaving Ponk's office with a lot to think about.