Questionable Choices [Yan!DSMP x Reader]

Chapter 45: Control

T/W: Mentions of suicide and suicidal behaviour

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"So, what the fuck do you want to do now?" you ask Schlatt after coughing up a storm, while the man is simply sitting with his knees spread and a bottle of alcohol in his hand. Niki is sitting on the couch in front of him, while you are restlessly walking behind her. Fundy is standing by the side, wanting to help you calm down, but not knowing how he's supposed to. Besides, you don't seem in the mood to be comforted. "Or even a better question: what the fuck do you want me to do? Because God knows none of you are going to be able to do anything. Or willing to do anything."

"What's the problem? You're still alive," Schlatt comments and you scoff.

"Sweetheart, I got in contact with an illness that Wilbur at first wanted to give you. An uncurable illness of which I don't know the symptoms. Is my headache a symptom of the illness or my anxiety and stress and the fact that I basically got fucking kidnapped?" Your voice breaks while you scream at him. "Is my aching throat a symptom of the illness or is it because I screamed and am still screaming?! Am I coughing out my organs because it's a symptom of the illness or am I allergic to this bullshit!? I don't know! I don't fucking know! I don't even know for how long I'm going to be alive! That's the problem. And I know, I'm not the most mentally stable person. I once held a gun against my head, literally pulling the trigger, but just being lucky. Does that show a mentally stable person? No, it fucking doesn't! Is that not a problem!?"

"Y/N, please, calm down," Fundy almost begs, actually getting scared of your raised voice now.

"No, I will not calm down! I have every right to be angry, I have every right to be panicking and I have every right to be scared. I'm either going to end up killing myself, or I'm going to get killed by this fucking virus. Or bacteria. Or whatever the fuck it is that will destroy my body more than I ever could. And you know what's even worse? The fact that a bunch of delusional men – and who knows? There might be a bunch of women out there as well – are ready to kidnap me just because they believe they love me. Even worse, they're prepared to kill innocent people just because they think they deserve my love."

"Y/N," Niki starts, but her sweet and soothing voice does nothing but anger you even more.

"Don't interrupt me, Niki. You're a beautiful woman, surely, but don't fucking interrupt me. Don't tell me that it's all going to be okay, or that it's not all that bad, or that I'm overreacting, because I decide when those are all the case. Nobody is going to decide who deserves my love. Nobody is going to make choice over my love life and nobody is going to hurt anyone just because they think they're my soulmate or some bullshit like that and if they are, oh if they are, I'll hurt them ten times worse. I don't love anyone. And I'm not going to. I've been there, I've done that, I've done the whole 'being in a relationship' thing and I'm not going to do it again. I'm done. I'm fucking done. Especially after this fucking shit. When I say that I'm going to kill them, I'm not lying, sweetheart, okay? I'm going to put them through the worst fucking time they've ever had in their entire fucking life."

At this point, you're so close to Niki that she might as well lean in and kiss you. That's how close you are to her. However, no matter how badly Niki wants to kiss you once, she can't. She physically can't. Her entire body is frozen in place and her heart has stopped working, pure fear going through her veins. You're either on the edge of insanity, or you've already snapped, and she doesn't know which one she finds more terrifying.

Fundy too. Fundy stares as you stare at Niki with wide eyes and such fury in your eyes, feeling a similar fear fill his entire heart. It reminds him of his own parents, or well, adoptive parents. The madness that you're radiating, a mix of his father's insanity and his mother's despair. A craziness that he never thought could ever be surpassed, but here you are.