the last straw

The Aftermath

I couldn't sleep that night. I was too scared of waking up, and the uncertainty of what my parents might decide to do with me.

Was mom mad at me? What if they sent me a mental hospital? I've never been to one, but according to TV, it doesn't seem like a place I want to be. What if they tell the whole family? Then everyone would know, and they would treat me different.

What if my siblings find out? Avery, who is 5, wouldn't know what was going on.

But Ty? He is 18, and very overprotective of me. He would be all over me like a hawk, forcing me to talk to him about how I feel.

All this over-thinking really made me anxious. When I feel anxious, I cut myself. I really didn't want to, though.

What if my parents find out? They might be on to me, especially now that I told them about how i felt.  But, how would they find out? It's not like the check the inside of my thighs. As long as I don't wear shorts, I should be fine.

I walked over to my closet, and found a box with a broken pencil sharpener in it. I held the blade up, and contemplated if this was really what I wanted to do. 

The intrusive thoughts won. I cut the inside of my thigh. 4 clean cuts.

It stung like crazy, but that's what I liked. The pain felt great. And knowing that i caused it, and could control where it hurt? Just the cherry on top. It hurt, but it felt amazing.

As i was putting the blade back in my closet, I heard my parents talking in the hallway. Sounded like they were coming back from the kitchen. They were talking about me.

I heard my mom say "I was scared this would happen. My baby girl is hurting, and it's nobody's fault. How long do you think she's been hiding this from us?"
Dad replied, sighing "I don't know. I also don't think she told us everything. You know I'm not a professional, but I can tell she's anxious. Maybe not anxiety, but something is definitely going on. She stutters and talks when she's nervous, bounces her leg when at the dinner table. She even plays with her hair when speaking to you."
I heard mom sigh, then reply with "do you think she's scared of me?"

And that's all I heard, as they shut their door.

Anxiety? I can't have anxiety. Well... I don't think I can.... Can I?

Scared of mom?

Well maybe. She's a very intimidating person. She's a reporter for the "Kinetic Powers," a very big news outlet. She can always tell when someone is lying, and can read people very well. I guess she doesn't do that to her family, because I've been suffering for months. Or maybe I'm good at hiding it.

Should I be scared of my dad, as well? He isn't as intimidating as mom. He's a TV and movie director. He's done some pretty big projects, but you wouldn't know by talking to him. He is very humble, and is just a goofball.

Ugh, great! Even more to think about!